Readers Coments to The Sandwich Generation

Dear Carol:
First let me say I think yours is the most sensible column on elderly that I have come across.
In the Sunday paper (Sept. 26) you mentioned that direct deposit could be bad...........I am 84 yr. & feel I am very cautious but what happens that some of elderly seem to throw caution to the wind? Maybe they were that way when younger also????
Thanks for your time
Alda D. Plymouth, Ca

Carol, we all feel such gratitude for you to answer our e-mail of the past weekend about my husband's brother.. Howard...and you gave us some insight about a few things. Thank you for taking the time and offering your views. We'll continue to make him feel like family even if he doesn't appreciate it....'kill him with kindness', as the saying goes. I didn't know that Dementia and Alzheimers had little indications, but now that you mention it, there ARE some signs. Anyway, we'll carry on and do our best.

You are much appreciated in our home...our son, Doug, agrees.

The Ralston's of Folsom, CA

Dear Carol,

Would you or one of your staff please e-mail me your recommendations for our situation? I saw our situation in the paper about a month ago. I saved it and now cannot find it. I saved most of our personal E-mails but none of them have your recommendations attached.

Things have taken a turn for the worse...as expected. My brother and I do not feel my mother (if she survives her current hospitalization) can live totally alone again.

The good news is that my brother found a job 40 miles from my mother.

Thank you for your support. You are doing an absolute wonderful service to humanity.

Brenda Kidd

Ms. Carol Abaya:

I read your column, "Sandwich Generation," in The Beaufort Gazette (Beaufort, SC), today, July 25, 2004, in which you mention Gypsy" scams - "Its THAT Time of Year Again". We have Gypsies in this area too but local authorities persist in calling them "Travelers," thus perpetuating confusion about their true origin and nature. The same was true in Northern Virginia, some years ago - a police detective told me that he'd called them Gypsies but his chief shrank from another problem with higher ups so the resulting newspaper report of the particular crime used the euphemism. I commend you - the issue becomes a good deal clearer your way.
Some local "seniors" have, as elsewhere, been taken in by Gypsy scams (or is that phrase redundant?). A couple of years ago, while a local woman in her 80s was (unwisely) talking to one young "Traveler", his accomplice was 'traveling' through the poor lady's house. She lost several thousand dollars in cash but kept her life. She (and the rest of us) are fortunate that members of this international criminal syndicate are usually nonviolent. If they were violent, the lady might not have survived to report at all to the police. As it was, her loss was only money. "Only".
We need more of your "tell-it-like-it-is" reporting. Thanks.

Lawrence B. Sulc

Dear Carol,

Your column in the Sacramento Bee, May 30th, contained a letter from a woman having difficulty finding assisted
living homes that would take pets. My mother had to go into assisted living for a few months last year and we discovered Sunrise Assisted Living. Their website is www.sunriseseniorliving.com and they have locations throughout the United States. Almost all of their locations allow pets. We found them to be wonderful and flexible.
There is a location less than a mile from my home in Fair Oaks, California, another was just a mile from my sister's
home in Shaker Heights, Ohio and, had she still needed it when she returned home, a location within 5 miles of her
home in Berkeley, California. Hope this information will help.

Love you column!!!

Donna Holmes

Wow! I really appreciate your thorough and quick response! Thank you so much for your help. I always read your Q&A column in Sunday's Sacramento Bee newspaper! You help a lot of people. Bless you!

******************

Dear Carol,

I enjoy reading your column in The Sacramento Bee very much. I am a 70 year old woman, retired, with multiple interests, good friends and in excellent health. So, why am I writing to you? Because since my son lives hundreds of miles away and I want to stay in Sacramento till I die, this is what I have done:

1. I have already visited some Retirement Communities in the area and gather information about the services they offer as well as their costs
2. I have selected the Retirement Community where I want to go or where I have to go when I need it. The community selected offers: a) Independent Living, b) Assisted Living and c) Intensive Care
3. I have updated my Revocable Trust, Living Will, Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care and Durable Power of Attorney for Estate Management
4. I have put all this information in folders and placed them in a file cabinet
5. I have also included a Senior Guide, a publication of the Sacramento County about services offered in the Sacramento area
5. I have shared all this information with my son, asked him to review it and give me his suggestions or ask questions. I have also enclosed a letter to my son stating my wishes in case I become disabled

It is sure a great feeling to have done that.

Thank you for all the good you are doing in your column.

Sincerely,
Ada Roscoe

Dear Carol: As a “Baby Boomer” concerned about aging parents and grandparents, I’d like to know if you might have information on a catalog I saw some years ago regarding the sale of Safety and Security items for the elderly at home. For the life of me, I can’t recall the publication and haven’t found anything like it on the web. By any chance, would you know of a company I could contact that provides safety/security items around the home? Thanks for your great articles! They’re most informative. Mike

FABULOUS article. I and several of my toatlly friends agree and have been trying to change OUR lifestyles toward better nutrition so that we can prevent problems in our future. I live over in the middle of the state of PA. Somerset to be exact.

We have a radio station 620AM that has Dr./Chiropractors on it all day talking about better nutrition. I could go on and on but keep up the good work. I know that any person that comments negativily about your column has never heard of such an idea and only needs to open their eyes and read alternative information. I hear that a book called Dead Doctors Don’t Lie is full of good information. Thanks again, sarah reedy

I can relate to much of the info regarding caregiving for parents having been thru the experience myself. It is great that you share info from your own personal situation with so many people.

A few weeks ago you mentioned the name of a book -- I believe it was "Nobody's Child Anymore". Not sure if this is the correct title. Will you please email me the correct names of the book, author and publisher. I do want to purchase the book.

I would like to thank you for your response indicating the benifits of alternatives to drugs for health and wellness. I work for a chiropractor who is a proponent of this philosophy. Through my work with him I have seen many miracles of the body healing itself ranging from relief of headaches and indegestion to people suffering with Asthma and Diabetes no longer needing medication to handle their illnesses.

We feel that it is important for the public to know and understand the body's natural ability to heal itself when at its optimal health level. It is rewarding to see someone in your position support our cause when so many do not. Kudos!

I am a club sandwich; the middle generation of 5. I sometimes describe it visually by pointing out that I am the middle finger in the generation dynamics. (sometimes I'm kidding - other times not). But, like the middle child, I sometimes feel lost between the generations.

My mother has started reading your column - which is a blessing. I think she was in denial about my grandmother's aging process. My grandmother is an amazing woman. 93 and probably in better shape than I am, and more energy. She still lives in her own home, just stopped driving since her eyesight is deteriorating. She's lucky enough to have family willing to visit and take her places, but she's feeling lonely and always afraid of being isolated, so I'm trying to spend even more time with her. My mom looks at it as a guilt trip, but I finally had a heart to heart with her about what happens when someone is isolated - we saw it with my stepdad's mother. She lost contact with reality. It was heartbreaking.

Thanks for letting me share this with you. - I loved this morning's column - the daughter was complaining that her mother put on makeup every morning. You told her that was a good thing - sometimes we just need to be told we're off track. Your column helps us stay focused on what's important, and what is not. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I want to say thank you for not being afraid to write the truth in your article about "Too many drugs". It was refreshing to read your answers. You actually gave these people the right to think for themselves. You showed them there are alternatives that they need to explore. I am a person who believes that medications are not always the first answer. Changing your lifestyle such as exercising, eating healthy and getting rid of other bad health habits can make a huge difference. I want to applaud you for your comments on chiropractic, it does make a huge difference in your health.

Your column is no longer in the paper. I miss it.
Things here have there ups and downs. I thank you again for the e-mail which I saved and reread. It helps a lot.
So where is your column?
Is there someone I can write to to tell them how important it is.
You are a wise and wonderful person and it helps just to know you are there in a crisis. Mostly I am managing - not always well or perfectly but one day at a time.
We have moved into the new house and the private spaces are a good thing.
I also am toughing up a bit as I did tell the mother-in-law that since she did not want a kitchen she can use my kitchen - I will not cook for her as she is quite capable of cooking for herself even though guilt, (I cooked for 60 years) manipulation ( your cooking is so good ( it is not - just simple) were all used.
I realize that I MUST take care of me. This is not an eay balancing act, but as I learn and stay centered, I WILL do it. What helps the most is to remember that each person has their own journey. Also that each has their own God and I am not It.
So take care. Would love to hear from you.
Nameste. Mary Gruszewski.

Dear Carol Abaya:

I wanted to e-mail you regarding one of your questions published on Sunday, March 3, 2002, in the Sacramento Bee.

The questions dealt with a woman whose 82 year old mother had pneumonia and was in the hospital only three days when the hospital discharged her - against family wishes - and now she was back in the hospital very, very sick. Your response that hospitals cannot legally discharge a person if the family or doctor opposes it was a terrific bit of information for the general public.

I organized the Foundation Aiding the Elderly (FATE) after the death of my aunt in a long-term skilled nursing facility here in California. On a daily basis, this organization fights for the rights of not only nursing home patients, but lately for more and more acute hospital patients. The medical profession can be very intimidating, especially for those who do not know, or are not capable of standing up for, their rights. More and more acute hospitals are releasing elderly patients to nursing homes because they are money motivated and consideration for the health and rights of the patients are being ignored. We have a legal right to approve appropriate placement of ourselves and our loved ones and the public should know that nursing home care can be refused by either the patient or the holder of the durable power of attorney in the event the patient is not capable of making a decision. This is a very important right and thank you so much for bring this matter to the attention of the public.

Carole Herman
Founder/President
FOUNDATION AIDING THE ELDERLY
Sacramento, CA

The Sandwich Generation
Reader Comments 2000
via e-mail and snail mail

* We know from experience how important it is to have animals around... so please keep encouraging your readers... JAC
* I read your column regularly as my folks are elderly. I find your advice helpful and comforting. LE
* Enjoy your column as I have an elderly parent. I am part of the sandwich generation so your columns are always helpful. AS
* Dear Carol Abaya. Thank you, thank you, thank you for calling attention to the need of seniors and their caregivers to ask questions about their prescription drugs.... My thanks to you. I hope everyone with older parents will read your articles and start asking questions for their parents. JG
* Hi, I’m an attorney in California and read your column every week... Enjoy your column. Thank you. CT
* Please send me a copy of “Aging Parents and Common Sense.” I enjoy your column. Thank you. DY
* .... Thank you for the helpful information in your The Sandwich Generation, which I follow in the Sacramento Bee. MB
* Reader question was about knee surgery for her mother. She ends the e-mail with: “I think many of us in the sandwich generation struggle with the problem of how much to insert ourselves in such situations and when to back off. Your column has been very insightful in these kinds of matters. KL
* I think caregivers always feel guilty about one thing or another. I think this (whether caregiver should take a vacation and have mother stay in an assisted living residence) is a good general topic. I think many caregivers would be pleased to see your answer in your newspaper column. CS (Subject was dealt with in November 2000 columns.)
* Please send your booklet about seniors travel. Your column is great each Sunday in Sacramento Bee. Thanks. WS
* I enjoy your weekly column and find it helpful. Thank you very much. GB
* Would you please send me some information on nursing homes in California. I read your column, which I always appreciate. JF
* ... Your articles are always interesting and well written. FB
* I really like the no nonsense answers you give to the questions. I am now 80 years old.... AD
* I’m learning a lot from your newspaper articles. LR
* I enjoy your newspaper column. A lot of thoughtful ideas are shared. Thanks. VR
* Thanks for The Sandwich Generation. It’s always a great read. DP