The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
June 4, 1999
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy? Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Arguing with Alzheimer's Elder Serves no Purpose
Question: My mother, 83, has Alzheimer's. She is physically healthy, but mentally in another world She doesn't even understand the simplest things I say. I am so frustrated and angry I want to just walk away and get out of this terrible situation. Is there anything I can do to help myself?
Answer: Alzheimer's is a killer of the brain, of personality, and the main tenets of being a human being.
In cases where anger such as yours is felt so strongly, I always quote the great philosopher Aristotle. "Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."
You do need to accept the fact your mother is not knowingly not understanding you. She can't help herself. Also remember,
* Mental illness is a biological brain disease.
* Symptoms may change over time.
* The disorder may be periodic, with times of improvement and deterioration, independent of your hopes or actions.
* Strange behavior is a symptom of the disorder. Do not take it personally.
* Separate medication side effects from the disorder/person.
* A delusion will not go away by reasoning and therefore needs no discussion.
* Despite your and the physician's efforts, symptoms may get worse -- or they may improve.
* Because a person has limited capabilities should not mean that nothing is expected of him/her.
* Family relationships may be in disarray in the confusion around the mental disorder.
Naomi Feil has written a marvelous book, "The Validation Breakthrough." She advises caregivers to "put aside your own judgments and expectations of behavior, and learn to be sensitive to the logic behind the disorientation of very old people."
There are a number of DON'Ts, which can help reduce explosive situations.
* Don't try to force reality. Don't argue the facts.
* Don't try reality orientation.
* Don't try to modify behavior because the person doesn't think he/she is doing anything wrong.
* Don't patronize them in order to placate them.
* Don't argue with or confront the person as it serves no positive objective.
* Don't contradict the person because you are challenging his/her reality.
These are not easy TIPS to implement. So you need to get help in caring for an Alzheimer's patient and perhaps consider alternative living arrangements such as an assisted living home. Newer ones often have special Alzheimer's sections, which provide more security.
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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