The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release October 1, 1999
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children,
yourself and working at the
same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant
parent is now frail and
needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation
is dedicated to the
50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or
responsibilities.
DON'T TRY TO BE SUPERWOMAN
Question: I'm running myself ragged trying to keep my very ill mother,
80, my spouse and two
teenagers "happy." No one seems to care about me. I'm ready to walk
out on it all. Help!
Answer: Yes, you do need help, and the only one who can really help
is yourself. Stop doing
everything for everyone else. Learn to say "no" and to set parameters
as to what you will do. Do
only what's necessary, especially if other members of the family can
do for self and/or help you
with your mother.
No one should be expected to do everything for others and nothing for
yourself. You do no one
any good and important relationships will wither. Do less of the not
so enjoyable chores and more
of the things that give you pleasure. Sit down and discuss your feelings
and need for help with
everyone.
* * *
Question: My father, 77, can no longer drive, go shopping or take care
of his apartment properly.
My brother says I should have him move in with me. I've never had a
good relationship with my
father, so don't know what to do.
Answer: While it may seem to be cruel or insensitive, my advice is not
to have your father move
in with you and only do so as a last resort. Seek ways of helping him
remain in his own apartment
or look at alternatives , like senior apartment or assisted living.
That way he can still control his daily life. Self control can help
his own self-esteem, which will be
healthier.
All too often children scoop an aging parent up and move him/her from
a familiar to an unfamiliar
environment. The parent loses the feeling of being secure because of
the displacement. And no
one is happy
In your case, placing yourself in a potentially very stressful situation
will be bad for both of you
and may create unsolvable problems as he becomes frailer.
* * *
Question: After many years of being estranged from my father, 69, he
has moved to a town
nearby. My two sisters and brother live in the same are a. Our mother
passed away two years ago.
I am having difficulty in dealing with him even though it seems he
wants to take an active part in
our family life.
Answer: Regardless of what happened in the past, your father is now
reaching out to you to
re-establish a positive relationship.
Rehashing your own negative feelings while growing up without him will
not change the past nor
achieve anything positive.
An honest exchange of feelings can be a starting point. You may learn
things your mother never
told you. Understanding the past can often go a long way to better
relationships in the future.
Make believe you're meeting him for the first time. Get to know him
a she is today. Give your
father a new chance in life. Let me know how things are going six months
from now.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate
letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters
may be edited. Send letters to
Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at
SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator
of the unique magazine The
Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 505 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©1999 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.