The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release October 29, 1999
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children,
yourself and working at the
same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant
parent is now frail and
needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation
is dedicated to the
50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or
responsibilities.
THEY PUT THEMSELVES AT RISK
Question: My mother, 83, acts like a teenager, doing crazy things that
can endanger her life. The
latest was climbing a ladder to replace a light bulb. I've been unsuccessful
in trying to get her to be
more careful. Guidance please.
Answer: Regardless of age, a person needs to feel independent and capable
of doing things for
self. It's a self-esteem issue as well as a control one. And undoubtedly
your mother doesn't want
to burden you with such "little" things.
I had similar discussions with my mother. After my father at 93 had
emergency hip replacement
surgery, my mother re-arranged the bedroom for his return from the
hospital. She moved the bed
and a heavy chair, even though she had several collapsed back discs
herself and there was a live-in
housekeeper. When I got upset, she said she needed to feel "useful."
Both you and your mother should find a balance with the relationship
so she feels more
comfortable asking you to do things and you don't make her feel "old."
If you live nearby, regularly walk around looking for safety hazards
and too small bulbs which
don't give off enough light as vision tends to decrease with age.
And discuss your feelings; that you want her around healthy for a long
time. She may not like
your protectiveness, but hopefully she'll understand.
* * *
Question: We've been trying to get my father, 83, to stop driving; but
he won't listen to any of us.
He hasn't had any accidents, but he's too old to drive safely. How
can we get him to stop?
Answer: Age itself should not be a determinant in having a person stop
driving. If he hasn't had
any accidents and is mentally alert, there doesn't seem to be a reason
to stop. If his vision is not as
good as it used to be, perhaps he shouldn't drive at night or on major
highways.
The parameters I set with my mother were that as long as she didn't
have an accident, didn't cause
an accident, and could find her way home, she could drive.
At such time as major problems do occur, use the "I" word and not the
"you" one. "I'm concerned
about your driving at night because the glare from on-coming cars might
cause problems for you."
Don't say, "you shouldn't drive because you're a lousy driver."
It's very difficult to get anyone to stop driving, and more so when
even mild dementia becomes
apparent. Short-term memory is the first to go, and if that person
is in an accident or causes one,
he may not even remember it. What is scary is that the driver may not
be able to process the
information around him to drive safely. For example, he may reach a
corner and not stop because
he doesn't remember what the STOP sign means.
In these cases, you do need to be more aggressive.
If none of the negatives exist and it's just concern on your part, step
back. You might suggest he
take an AARP brush up course, but anything else seems inappropriate.
Remember, being able to drive is very important to a person's feelings
of independence, control,
and self-esteem. My mother always said if she couldn't drive she didn't
want to be around
anymore. And that's what happened.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate
letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters
may be edited. Send letters to
Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at
SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator
of the unique magazine The
Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 520 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©1999 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.