The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release December 24, 1999
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
CREATING YOUR OWN GUILT TRAP
Question: My mother lives five miles from us, and since my father passed away six months ago, I've been grocery shopping for her. I call her beforehand, get her list, shop, and then drop off her groceries, usually on the run. Inevitably when I get back home, I get a call that she forgot something and she must have it today. I'm too tired to keep running back and forth, but feel guilty when I don't. Help!
Answer: First of all, why are you doing the shopping? Who did it before your father died? Even if she can't drive, can she shop herself? If she can shop, look for an alternative driver - a friend, relative, or hire someone. Have a local store deliver. You don't have to do it all yourself.
Secondly, if she can't shop herself, make sure she always has extra basics. Bread and juice can be frozen. Powdered milk can be used if necessary. If something else has been used up, the end of the world won't occur if she doesn't have an item for a day or even two. So, stop running.
Sandwich Generationers often - and needlessly - "talk" themselves into "guilt trips" and traps. It's easy!
I must be perfect; please others; always be right; be in control; help others. I can't stand it when people are angry with me. Unhealthy guilt comes from trying to live up to or by someone else's standards or demands.
Elwood N. Chapman in his book "The Unfinished Business of Living: Helping Aging Parents Help Themselves," says, "View yourself as an assistant to the elderly individual. This may help you remember that the more you help them help themselves, the better it will be for them and the less pressure on you.
"Immunize your emotions. Some domineering and highly critical parents
are more demanding with their words than their hearts. Most do not expect
things to change in their favor -- they just need to complain because the
world did not live up to their expectations. Seek the underlying message
and let unfounded complaints roll off your shoulder."
Embrace the tough love approach. "Tough love" is a genuine form of love. It means you can get tough (stand up for yourself) yet continue to love the other party as before.
Protect your other relationships. Sometimes an adult child will become so intimidated and engrossed in a parent relationship that he or she will make the mistake of ignoring other relationships which may be more important.
Step back and identify those tasks she really can't do for herself.
Give her or get help for just those activities. By taking over chores an
older person can really do for self, you're making that person more dependent
on you. You're also taking away that person's feeling of self-worth.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 460 words; other material = 160 words
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©1999 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.