The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release February 18, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
HANDLING STRESS
Question In the past year, both my parents (82 and 85) have been in and out of hospitals. I'm so stressed out, I had to reduce my work hours. I've been reading a lot about herbs, especially some of the more unusual ones from Asia. Do they really help?
Answer Stress is an integral part of lifestyle (eating habits, exercise or lack of it, time for self etc.) and mental attitude. Only you can make changes both in your daily activities and mental attitude. Herbs won't help make those changes. There are some vitamins and minerals that have proven quality standards that can be helpful. Herbal dosages often are not regulated and uneven. As a result, they can be harmful or useless.
You need to sit down and make a list of your responsibilities and chores. Identify the real need areas. Identify areas where help from someone else can relieve your burden. Make sure you take time out to do something you have a passion for.
During the most stressful years of overseeing my parents' care, I made sure I played duplicate bridge every Friday. It was my time, and certainly helped me cope a little better. No one can be super human.
You need to reduce the number of tasks you do yourself. Get help! From family members and resources in the community. Medicare pays for rehab nursing home care after a hospital stay - on a scale basis - and will have a nurse visit your parents at home on a regular basis during a recovery period. Take advantage of this.
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Question: My parents haven't gone to church for years. I have become quite active in our church and made some marvelous friends. I thoroughly enjoy the services and camaraderie of the activities. My father can no longer drive, and they want me to take them out every Sunday morning for breakfast. I'M torn.
Answer: While it's usually the adult child who has to be flexible, in this case I'd say that your parents need to rethink their demands.
Spiritual well-being and friendship, to me, are more important than a breakfast event. Set the parameters yourself - what you will and will not do.
Your parents have choices:
- they can join you at church and possibly make new friends who
still drive - and then you all go for brunch.
- they can get someone else to drive them to the restaurant and
possibly join them for breakfast.
- change the breakfast to a family lunch on a regular, but not
necessarily a weekly basis. After all, you need time for yourself
and immediate family.
- encourage them to get active at the church, a senior center
or other community programs.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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