The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release March 31, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
HELP PARENTS MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS
Question My father, 72, had a stroke and can no longer drive, write checks and pay bills. My mother has always depended on him to “lead the way.” Now they’re looking to my brother and myself to make every decision But when we do make a suggestion, they disregard it and say, “You don’t know anything.” How can we handle this?
Answer You’re facing a complex, but typical elder care situation. Your
parents apparently don’t trust themselves to make a decision, but still
think of you as inexperienced “children.”
They are also probably scared of aging, given your father’s stroke.
So, you can try two things.
Rather than make a single suggestion, ask them what they think
they should do. If they say, “I don’t know,” then give them several options
and discuss the results of each option Guide them to a decision they feel
they’ve made themselves.
Teach your mother to write checks and keep track of them and
bills. It’ll help her self-esteem. Periodically, go over her checkbook
and bills.
In reference to their lower self-esteem and confidence in making
a decision, they need your emotional support. It’s called role reversal.”
You need to verbalize positives the same way as you did when your own children
were growing up. .
Often little positive words have a dramatic impact on the elder’s
self-esteem.
We gave my parents a surprise party for their 60th anniversary.
When I got to their house, my father, 93, got up from his chair, pulled
up his baggy checked pants, straightened his jacket of another print. His
bow tie was still another design. He looked expectantly at me. I looked
him up and down and said “you really look snazzy.” His whole face lit up.
It really didn’t matter in the whole scheme of things that each piece of
clothing didn’t exactly match.
* * *
Question My mother, 76, has Alzheimer’s. She does crazy things, can’t remember anything and accuses my children of stealing her clothes. I’M ready to put her in a nursing home, but feel guilty.
Answer First of all, don’t feel guilty about having her live elsewhere
if it reaches the point where you and your family cannot comfortably handle
the situation and at such time it is dangerous to leave her alone in the
house.
Second, your frustration is understandable and normal. Remember
that your mother has absolutely no control of what is happening to her.
Her brain waves have short-circuited. While some medicines can slow down
the process, there is no cure.
One reader recently wrote me asking “Why would those helping
the impaired get so angry at what can’t be changed? Getting angry at kid’s
slowness is certainly not beneficial.” This reader is saying you can’t
change your mother’s situation, so you need to deal with it, tough as it
is.
There are marvelous special senior residences and assisted living
facilities that are designed for Alzheimer’s people. Look into them. She
might be happier and safer in one.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 500 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.