The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release April 7, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
WARNING SIGNS FOR ABUSE
Question My mother, 83, had a stoke and is now living with my sister. I live 75 miles away, so can’t often visit. Last weekend, I noticed my mother is very confused and has lost weight. My sister refuses to discuss the problems. I think my mother is being abused. What can I do?
Answer Elder abuse is, unfortunately, more common than we as a society want to admit. Some researchers say as many as 1.5 million seniors, 5%, are abused by their own family.
There are eight basic types of elder abuse:
Physical -- Non accidental use of physical force that results
in bodily injury, pain or impairment. It includes assault, battery, and
inappropriate restraint.
Sexual -- Nonconsensual sexual contact of any kind with an older
person.
Psychological -- Willful infliction of mental or emotional anguish
by threat, humiliation, or other verbal or nonverbal abusive conduct.
Financial -- Illegal or improper use of an older person’s funds,
property, or resources.
Active Neglect -- Willful failure of a “caregiver” to fulfill
his or her caregiving responsibilities.
Passive Neglect -- Non willful failure of a caregiver to fulfill
his or her caregiving responsibilities.
Self-Neglect -- Failure of an older person to provide for his
or her own essential needs.
Misuse of medication -- overdose or not giving it at all - can
result in confusion. Malnutrition -- can lead to mental confusion
as well as weight loss.
Those typically abused have ADL (activity of daily living) impairment. They have trouble with one or more of the personal care abilities bathing, dressing, toileting, feeding, transferring and incontinency. Depending on others for such daily activities leaves a person more vulnerable.
In your case, “active” or “passive” neglect may be in the picture. If your sister refuses to discuss it with you, then you need to give serious consideration to care options. If need be, move her out of your sister’s home. Depending on her condition, your mother might be better taken care of in a nursing home.
Most states have special abuse agencies that specialize in these tough situations.
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Question My parents (in their 70s) need some work done around the house, including a ramp up to the porch. Up to now, my father was able to do things, so they don’t know an handymen. We live out of the area, so also know no one. How can we get someone reliable?
Answer First, identify the work that needs to be done so you know what expertise you need.
Second, ask neighbors who they use. Or perhaps a recommendation from the church pastor or local office on aging. Ads in local weekly paper can also be good- provided you check references. If major work needs to be done, go see other jobs the person has done.
Third, get at least two estimates and evaluate not only the costs, but what the handyman says he will do -- and how.
Also don’t pay the full amount until the work is completed satisfactorily. In fact, if you can, don’t give the person any money until everything is finished. Don’t let a contractor arrange financing, and don’t sign any papers with fine print -- unless you read every word. And now that spring is coming, don’t let someone who just knocks on your door or calls you on the phone either into your house at all or do any work for you.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 570 words; other material = 160 words
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