The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release April 21, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Nursing Homes - That Tough Decision
The Scene: Merle’s mother didn’t recognize the gardener, even though he had come on a regular basis. Then she forgot other things - things that would impact her health and safety.
Merle wanted to have her mother live with her family - her husband and two children, a 21-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son.
Her husband voiced major concerns. First, their house could not comfortably accommodate another person plus a caregiver, and secondly, Merle worked.
Third, the husband was concerned about friction that might occur with three generations living in the same house. And, he was concerned about how a caregiver would interact with other household help, who had been with the family for many years.
What should Merle do?
The Decision: Merle’s husband convinced her to place her mother in a nursing home.
Does this story sound familiar to you? Have you or a friend faced a similar situation? To “place” or keep home? A tough decision - one faced by sandwich generationers around the world.
I went with Merle to visit her mother in the nursing home and her mother-in-law, who is in the assisted living part of the facility. Both women are 80 years old and widowed. Both now have been there for seven years.
Merle’s mother has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t recognize her and can’t talk or do anything for herself.
“Looking back, it was a good decision,” Merle said. At the same time, she acknowledged how hard it is for her to visit, to see her mother so frail and helpless. The home is 45 miles from where Merle and her family live.
We had lunch with Merle’s mother-in-law, Joyce, in the assisted living dining room. The choice of food was excellent and included a number of different salads and fresh fruit, cold cuts and chicken, dessert and coffee or tea.
We then took both women for a ride - to McDonald’s for ice cream. Merle’s mother finished a chocolate milk shake. “I feel I’m helping her get some nutrition,” Merle said. “I can’t do much else.”
Joyce, perky and smiling, wanted to bring ice cream back to her room so she could indulge later on. As I put the ice cream in Joyce’s freezer, she said, “There’s so much to do here. I’m glad I’m here.”
This scenario could take place in any city or town across the U.S. In this case, I was in South Africa, 8,000 miles from my home. The home is the Jewish Old Age Home in Pretoria. As you can see from Merle’s feelings and situation, elder caregiving problems and family emotions are the same everywhere.
And, everyone deals with them accordingly, just as Merle and her husband have.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 450 words; other material = 160 words
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©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.