The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release August 11, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Likes And Dislikes Always Known
Question My mother, 79, has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She has always been very independent, with strong likes and dislikes. My father has taken over her life and makes all decisions. My mother is very upset and fights constantly with my father. How can we decrease the stress level?
Answer Just because someone has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's or other dementia doesn't mean they don't know what's going on and what they like and dislike. Regardless of the severity, people always seem to know what makes them happy - or unhappy.
I always tell about a woman in a nursing home who couldn't communicate verbally and was a terror. She caused chaos by making loud strange sounds and physically hitting caregivers. The staff discovered that the tiger was a pussy cat on the days she wore her one red dress. Apparently she always liked bright clothes. The staff asked the family to get her more red clothes - and she was much calmer.
Rather than take away your mother's decision making, you and your father need to cater even more to her likes and avoid dislikes - everything from food, to clothes and activities. Let her make as many decisions as possible. Have her continue to do daily activities as much and as long as possible. The less done for her at this stage, the better.
A recent study analyzing decision-making capabilities of those with mild to moderate cognitive impairment, shows that people can state consistent preferences and choices participate in everyday care decisions express life-long values and wishes about their care, now and in the future.
Log on to www.caregiver.org for more on this study. It certainly supports what I have been saying for years - the less you do for an older person, given their true capabilities, the better it is for everyone. Your father will create his own monster if he continues to make all decisions for your mother.
Do keep in mind that your father will need care help and emotional support as your mother's condition worsens.
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Question My father, 83, has been misplacing various things, such as his car keys, and thinks he may be getting Alzheimer's. Is he?
Answer Interesting question. I recently attended a memory seminar and your question was asked.
The answer is two-fold. First, in the past did he occasionally or often misplace his keys? If so, the pattern was set long ago. So don't worry. Suggest he put his keys on a hook in the kitchen when he comes in. Then they'll always be there.
Second, an Alzheimer's "test" involves whether or not he knows what the keys are for. When he doesn't know that the keys are for the car - or the house, if that be the case, then trouble is indeed brewing.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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