The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release September 22, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Maintaining Independence Safety Proof House
Question My parents are in their 80s and refuse to move from their 50 year old house. It needs a number of repairs; but they refuse to take care of them, even though they have the money. They refuse to discuss this and get very upset when I try to point out how unsafe certain things are. How can I get them to make the repairs?
Answer You probably won’t be able to get them to act on their own. It’s a tricky situation, but sometimes adult children just have to take the bull by the horns and make tough decisions.
I was faced with similar things with my parents. There were 6 steps up to the back door - and never a railing. There were steep steps to the basement, where the washer and dryer were.
My parents were well into their 80s at the time. My mother slipped down the basement steps, carrying down laundry. It took her awhile before she was able to get up. Luckily nothing was broken. But she didn’t tell us for several months. About that time, I watched my father climbing the stairs, using his hands on higher steps as leverage.
Safety and their independence were the key. I had a railing specially made and had my handyman install it. I also had him put down rubber treads on the basement stairs and railing on those stairs. My parents ranted and raved. It was their home. I ignored their yelling - and paid for everything myself.
Then there was a battle about light bulbs. Stupid isn’t this? My mother used very low wattage bulbs. I found her using 40 watt bulbs in the basement. I replaced them, without telling her. Same thing in the her bedroom. I just did it.
And in the last year, I had to make a tough decision about replacing the carpeting. It was warn through in some places and in other places it had stretched out and had wrinkles. She could have tripped and really hurt herself, as by this time she was not lifting her feet up as she walked. She (91 at the time) shuffled.
It was not easy, but I finally told her the carpet had to go. Then I gave her choices. No carpeting - the hardwood floors were in good shape. She could choose what she liked or I would choose. She wasn’t happy about this, but I persisted. In the end, she chose new carpeting and supervised installation.
There are times when adult children have to make tough decisions for aging parents. Safety is one area where you need to persist.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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