The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release October 13, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Depressed Widow Help Available On Web
Question: My husband of 52 years died four months ago. Although he was sick for awhile, I still can't believe he's gone. My memory is going and I'm confused. I think I need help, but don't want people in town to know my problems. Any suggestions?
Answer: Everyone grieves differently.
And, I'm told, mental confusion can be part of the process. Psychologists
have identified various stages of grieving, and there are different names
to the stages. However, there seems to be agreement that the basic
steps of grieving include:
1. Accept the reality of the death.
While this is probably hard for you, you do need to let go. Nothing,
unfortunately, will bring your husband back.
2. Experience the pain of grief.
There's nothing wrong with crying. Or thinking about telling "Bill"
something you saw or gossip heard. We all go through this.
3. Adjust to life without the deceased.
If your circle of friends has decreased because of caregiving
responsibilities, sit down and write down activities you liked to do in
the past and others you've wished you had time for. Then seek out
these activities. New friends can be made. This year I've made
new friends through the local orchid society and duplicate bridge games.
4. Memorialize your loved one in
order to move on. Keep pictures around of your loved one; don't hide
them. Keep them with other family pictures, of your children,
grandchildren, etc. Remember the happy times. It's OK to tear
up when looking at them.
In reference to your statement that you don't want people in town to know your problems, grieving is not a problem. It's something very natural. But if you still don't want to get help locally, you can get help from national organizations.
AARP's web site is www.org/griefandloss or 202-434-2260. The Compassionate Friends is web site www.compassionatefriends.org or 630-990-0010.
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Question: My father, 82, may need a nursing home. Physically he's deteriorating rapidly. We hear so much about abuse and neglect. How can we be sure the home is a good one?
Answer: Abuse and neglect are found in only a small percentage of nursing homes. Most can take care of a really sick/bedridden person as good or better than at home. Nursing homes must be licensed by the state, and are periodically inspected. If you send me a note with your name and address (to Box 132, Wickatunk, N.J. 07765), I'll get you the names of agencies in your state. You'll then be able to determine if the nursing homes in your area have any violations or resident complaints.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 445 words; other material = 160 words
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