for release November 3, 2000
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich
Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent
care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Make Time To Enjoy
Question: My mother, 88, has lived with my husband and me for four years. We haven’t had even one vacation. The holidays are coming up, and I’m tired. I want to go to a spa and just relax with my husband. Our grown children are upset that I don’t want to cook for everyone. They say I’m selfish, which is making me feel guilty.
Answer: I think your children are the ones who are selfish. Go away with your husband and enjoy yourself. Have your children take care of your mother. They can and should still have a family dinner.
You and your husband should be on the top of your priority list.
Abraham Lincoln once said, "Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way."
In reference to self and particularly to elder care, I translate this saying to mean that we don’t have to do everything ourselves. Nor should we feel guilty if we have someone else do what needs to be done.
I think sandwich generationers obligations are to ensure elderly parents are well taken care of. This doesn’t mean you have to do all yourself. We had housekeepers for six years caring for my parents. I couldn’t do everything in relation to daily care because I lived 50 miles away and had my own business. I never felt guilty that I wasn’t the one cooking, cleaning, etc. for them.
Everyone needs time for self. Stress from caregiving can be a killer. So, protect yourself. You do deserve a life of your own.
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Question: My mother, 78, is partially blind and doesn’t want to go out anymore. The holidays are coming up and already she says she won’t come to our family gathering. We’re frustrated.
Answer: Becoming reclusive is not good. Depression can occur which can lead to various physical and emotional health problems.
Most blind people can still hear and talk, thus enjoy being with others. She should be encouraged to join the family. Even now when you’re with her, make sure you actively talk with her. If there are other family members visiting her, make sure she’s included in the conversation.
She may also be helped by counseling from your local blindness organization.
Other holidays tips
• use a tablecloth, plates and glasses that have high contrast
colors - deep colored plates on a white tablecloth.
• don’t fill a glass or cup up to the top. This can cause spills.
• don’t shout. The person probably can hear very well.
• offer your arm to assist the person to get around. Don’t grab
their arm.
Marvelous gifts for the visually impaired:
• watches with big numbers
• watches or clocks that talk or have buzzers to tell the time
• voice activiated telephones or medical alert systems
• playing cards with large numbers
• books or magazines on tapes or CDs
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 490 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.