for release November 17, 2000
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Hobbies Can Fuel Accomplishment and $$
Question: My mother just passed away, and my father (74) doesn't know what to do with himself. He's at our house almost every day the minute I get home from work. I'm tired and need time for myself before I start to cook supper. But I feel I have to entertain my father. How can I tell him not to come so often.
Answer: It's understandable that he misses your mother and feels lonely. If he helped your mother around the house, he may also feel useless.
When my father retired at age 69, he too was bored. My mother was still working. After six months of driving everyone nuts, he started volunteering at the local hospital and worked every day for the next 19 years.
So volunteering is one venue to pursue. But there are other ways to handle this situation.
Instead of entertaining him, put him to work. Have him do some of the cooking, set the table, even fold laundry. Tell him "Dad, I'm going to rest for 30 minutes. I'd appreciate your help." And you might ask him to come only two nights a week - you need to set parameters.
I love craft fairs. This year there seemed to be a number of older crafters, and I talked with a number of them. They have turned a hobby into a money-making activity. Everything from making decorative bird houses to ships in bottles, space ships and airplanes. One man said he has a lot of fun making dinosaurs and other animals for his young grandchildren. Then their friends wanted them. Now he has fun making them and earns some money at the same time.
There are marvelous kits for a variety of items and a number of hobby magazines. Visits to a craft shop and library can be helpful. Crafters have fun making whatever it is they do, feel a sense of accomplishment, and get great satisfaction in having someone else appreciate and want the end product.
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Question: My parents (80s) have been in and out of the hospital this past year. It seems I spend most of my "free" time taking them to doctors and twiddling my thumbs in waiting rooms. I'm really bored and stressed, but don't like taking drugs.
Answer: There are stress reducers that you can take with you. They're not drugs, and they're cheaper than a psychiatrist. Knitting, crocheting, needlepoint, sewing quilting squares. They can be carried anywhere, will keep your hands busy, and your mind off of the fact your parent isn't well.
Crafts can be therapeutic. One minister I know says "When you open yourself to creativity, you are finding or reclaiming parts of yourself. Creative experiences redefine our basic life parameters."
Handmade sweaters or scarves make marvelous gifts.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 435 words; other material = 160 words
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