for release February 9, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Society Says Adults Should Not Need Help
Question: My parents ( late 70s) are beginning to have health problems. Often they seemed confused when I talked to them on the phone. We were there Xmas. Their frailties and confusion are very obvious. When I tried to discuss the situation, they said, “We’re fine. Don’t worry about us.” They’re not “fine.” We live 300 miles away, so can’t monitor things or help them on a daily basis. Need advice.
Answer: This is a typical problem that will be faced more by baby boomers. Especially when they left home for college, and then took a job miles from home.
Several elements come into play, and there’s no “magic” wand. So, I’ll try to help you better understand the big picture.
• According to our society’s values, adults are supposed to be able to take care of themselves. They aren’t supposed to need help, especially from children.
This accounts for the sometimes stubborn independence of those who experienced the depression and WW II. Hence, their comment “Don’t worry about us.”
• Independence also means they shouldn’t be a burden. No one likes to think he/she is one. So, often the elderly hide their problems, deterioration of health, etc. from their children. (My mother once fell down the cellar steps and didn’t tell us for three months.)
What aging parents don’t realize is that most children, like yourself, look at parents not as a burden, but with love and concern.
• The geographic disbursement of families, like yours, means parents and children may not have had the opportunity to develop an adult-to-adult relationship. Parents may still view their children as “kids.” Needless to say, they won’t -- or certainly don’t like to -- take advice from ‘kids.’
• With the divorce rate so high, many men now find themselves having to care for aging parents. Men don’t have the same nurturing instincts as women, so problems will be exaggerated.
In your case, you need to initiate action.
• Develop a neighbor/friend alert system, so if they have a crisis you are immediately called.
• Initiate communications with their doctors.
• Take time off from work and spend at least a week with them so you can more closely evaluate their abilities and initiate a constructive dialogue. This may seem a long time, but you need to closely observe them on a daily, informal basis. I very closely watched my mother when she came to my house for her twice a year week’s visit. During her last year, I was able to evaluate and monitor the more rapid mental deterioration -- and changed how I dealt with her confusion.
• Talk openly about lifestyle values, legal and financial issues as well as life and death issues. Understanding their values and feelings is very important.
Years ago, a reader called me and said he regularly read my magazine. He said he wanted to talk about these issues with his son, but didn’t know how to start. He asked me to send the magazine to his son. I did; with a note saying his father wanted to talk to him.
All parents should discuss important medical and legal issues with children, and vice versa.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 530 words; other material = 160 words
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©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.