for release February 23, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Reducing Stress Is a Mind-Set Exercise
Question: My mother, 70, has always been demanding, and my father used to complain all the time. Now that he’s gone. we better understand what he went through. My brother, in particular, refuses to jump to her demands. My husband is also getting upset. I’M stressed out.
Answer: I have a marvelous refrigerator magnet which says “Stress is what happens when your gut says “no” and your mouth says “Of course, I’d be glad to.”
Another magnet provides guidance - in addition to the word “no”: “I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.”
In a recent stress management class I attended, the instructor said “stress is a decision making process. You can change the situation; avoid it; recognize and accept it. You can redefine how you view what causes stress and how you deal with it.” Powerful advice.
It’s not easy to say “no” to a family member. But you can’t let your mother push buttons or manipulate you.
Help her deal with your father’s loss and learn how to do things she might not have done before (such as balance the checkbook).
Identify those areas where she really needs help. She is still young, and unless there are any medical reasons or physical impairments, should be able to take care of herself. She does need encouragement, and emotional support, and to know you are there for her in emergencies.
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Question: I’m 78 and my husband is 81. We’re both healthy, but I still worry a lot. What if I get sick. How will my husband take care of me? What if he dies, and I’m left alone? What will I do?
Question: My father just died, and my mother, 70, now lives alone, 100 miles from me. She refuses to move in with my family. What if she gets sick or falls and I’m not able to get there fast? What happens when she can’t drive and take care of herself? I’m walking around with a headache.
Answer: You can destroy yourself with “what if” thinking. Often anticipation is worse than reality. And both of you are boxing yourself in with these “what if” thoughts.
This doesn’t make your feelings any less real. But the What Ifs are only thoughts - thoughts that should be dealt with in a constructive way.
Discuss your fears with other family members, and see who you can ask for help if and when needed. Identify family members and friends you can depend on in case of an emergency. Children, siblings, cousins, friends.
If you are fearful of being alone, write down on paper what specific things you are afraid of. What can’t you do that you may have to. In the financial area, learn about balancing the checkbook, know what assets and income you have. You can’t control the future. So, you need to stay grounded in the present. Every day should be a journey.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 500 words; other material = 160 words
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©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.