for release April 6, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
ELDERS RESENT BEING CONSIDERED BURDENS
I've received a number of letters from elders, who say that society is making them feel as if they are a burden. They don't like this. This column will try to address their concerns.
Letter: I'm 80, live alone, still drive and take care of myself. I rarely ask my daughter for help. I hear rumblings that old people are "burdens" and to be "put up with." I resent this. Why don't you tell your readers that we still contribute to society.
Answer: You are right. Millions of elders like yourself are still active, independent and contributing to society. My father worked as a volunteer at the local hospital until he was 88. My mother sold real estate until she was 89.
Human beings should not be looked upon as "burdens." Unfortunately, our society still hasn't come up with a philosophy to deal with your generation -- which is the first large numbered generation living well into their 80s and 90s. In a sense, neither the elders nor adult children, the sandwich generationers, know how to comfortably handle the changing relationship.
Those aging don't like it; as often they do become more needy. And sandwich generationers don't know how to continue giving their parents love -- with a different twist.
The situation is complicated by elders feeling they shouldn't ask for help from family members. Independence is fine, but it can also be overdone. Regardless of age, it is OK to ask others for help. We ask friends to car pool when our kids are young. We ask grandparents to take the kids for a few hours to give ourselves a break. These requests for help are quite acceptable. So why isn't it acceptable for an aging parent to ask for help?
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Letter: What happened to TLC? We certainly gave it to our children, yet they grudgingly help us when we need it. My daughter is impatient and snippy. I never treated her like this.
Answer: For some reason we do seem to have more patience with our young children than our parents. Maybe because society has yet to define the role of adult children in relation to aging parents.
As a parent to a young child, we all know what we're supposed to do. So we look upon our role in a certain way and accept all the good and bad times as being normal. Unfortunately, there are no societal parameters of what we're supposed to do when our parents get older.
Attitude might also have something to do with the way a person is asked to do something. When a kid throws a temper tantrum, it's "normal" -- whatever that is. When kids are sick and cranky, we accept it as par for the course. However when an adult, especially an aging parent, becomes very demanding and throws a temper tantrum, then how do we deal with it? Most adult children are at a loss. So more patience on both sides is probably warranted.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 465 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.