for release May 25, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Multi-chores
Question: I never seem to be able to finish all the chores I should do for everyone else -- from my young children to husband to my parents (70s). They all get mad at me. I'm exhausted, and they won't listen.
Answer: I've come across an interesting little cartoon book that provides many helpful TIPS: "Taking Care of Me, So I Can Take Care Of My Children." While really geared to raising children, the TIPS are applicable to sandwich generationers.
Understand your own temperament and that of other family members. Understanding temperament helps you deal better with everyday happenings. A nine-factor evaluation is in the book.
Understand your own feelings and those of other family members. Be in tune more with your own feelings. Cherish the positive ones. Change the negative ones.
TIPS from this book
· Accept who you are now.
· Accept that you can't control all influences in your
life.
· Choose to do things in new ways.
· Stop making excuses or blaming others.
· Set reachable goals. Start with something easy.
· Stick with your goals long enough to reach them.
· Congratulate yourself at every gain, no matter how small
it seems.
· Say, "This is my life. I'm in charge of it."
· Accept mistakes and go on.
· Feel good that you can take responsibility for your
own actions.
With all this in mind, you need to
· identify everyone's real needs (including yourself).
· identify those tasks only you can do -- and do them.
· find other people to do the other tasks, including your
children (pick up after themselves); your husband (whatever he can do for
self and you); your parents (who should be helped to maintain their own
independence).
All too often parents do more than necessary for their children and don't like to cut the proverbial apron strings. You need to. Same goes for parents, where often guilt that they're aging comes into play.
A person can't and shouldn't feel he/she has to control everything.
And a person shouldn't blame others for their own need to control.
Step back and look at the HELP acronym.
H - What's Really Happening?
E - What are everyone's emotions?
L - Listen for real needs
P - Plan another way to get things done
* * *
Question: My mother, 82, came to live with us after suffering a heart attack. The doctor says she's doing fine now. But she is scared of being left alone, and threatens "to have a heart attack" if I go out. I feel guilty every time I walk out the door.
Answer: First, your mother should participate in and get emotional help from a heart illness support group. She'll see that others learn how to continue a good life. Her own anxiousness should be reduced.
Second, she has done a great job of manipulating if you feel guilty about going out. How many times did your kids cry and beg you not to go out -- even if it was for work?
Recognize that she is manipulating you -- so stop reacting the way you are.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 480 words; other material = 160 words
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©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.