for release June 29, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN
Question: I'm 73, in good health and have lots of energy. During the Korean War I sang and danced at the local army club. Over the years, I've sung at special family events. My voice is still good, and I'd like to get involved with some group. My sons say I'm too old. Am I?
Answer: I have great difficulty with anyone who uses age as a determining factor to say a person shouldn't do something enjoyable and fun.
In your area, the Grandparents Living Theatre (Columbus, OH) travels and presents performances geared for all ages.
There is a marvelous senior theatre directory with acting and singing groups around the world. "Senior theatre connections" by Bobbie L. Vorenberg is available. More information on their web site: www.seniortheatre.com.
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Question: My father, 75, has always been a sour puss. You're always saying that children have to make elderly parents happy. How are we supposed to do this?
Answer: I have never said sandwich generationers have to make a parent happy. No one else - except the person - can make him/herself happy.
Happiness comes from within and how a person views and emotionally "processes" events.
What I do say is that happiness and fun are not a function of age. That everyone, regardless of age, is entitled to have fun. That children should encourage and help parents do things that give them pleasure.
If a person has always been negative, he's not going to change now. In a sense, you have to ignore his attitude. It may be that he never really enjoyed life. Or it may be he's never been able to express himself. Do what you can and don't feel guilty if he's still a grouch.
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Question: My father died last year. My mother, 76, depends completely on me for her social life. In the beginning, I understood the shock and the fact she is now alone. This dependence is interfering with our social life as well as my daily life. How can I say "no?"
Answer: Any extreme - being too independent or too dependent on others - is not good. It's hard to make new friends and develop new routines when you're older. But it certainly is doable.
It's really your mother's responsibility - not yours - to accept the reality of the loss and develop a new life for herself. It's your responsibility to provide emotional support and some guidance to new groups or activities.
If she's having trouble emotionally, there are marvelous bereavement support groups. She'll see she's not alone with her situation and feelings.
We have available on our web site: www.TheSandwich Generation.com a two-part series "After the Funeral" in which a daughter tells how her mother at 84 developed a new life - with emotional support and encouragement from her family.
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Question: My mother, 79, has a limited income, but spends hundreds of dollars on yarn. She knits all kinds of things and gives them away. We can't get her to stop wasting money.
Answer: Back off! Your mother is doing something she enjoys and gets satisfaction from. Hand made presents are always prized by the receiver. She might also sell some of the things she makes to neighbors or friends, at church bazaars, or at a flea market. This income can help pay for the yarn. And most important, your mother will continue to feel she's productive.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 545 words; other material = 160 words
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©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.