for release July 13, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
LETTING GO IS HARD TO DO
From our special series Death & Dying, which ran earlier this year, readers asked an important question: When do you stop treatment and/or tests, and let a loved one "go."
"He's so mentally alert," said one reader.
"He's so depressed," said another.
"He can't do anything for himself."
"He's not in any pain, but is getting weaker."
"The doctor wants to keep taking tests. They upset my mother, and she
says they're painful."
"Who will be there for me, when she goes?"
There is no one right - or wrong - answer to the big question. Every situation and individual is different.
Some questions to ask -- and get answered -- can guide you.
· What does the person/patient want?
· What is the person's/patient's acceptance level of the
physical state in which he/she is?
· What are the chances the person will get well (as opposed
to getting better on a short term basis)?
· Will the person be cured of the illness?
· If tests are done (regardless of pain level), how will
the information be used?
· If surgery is suggested by a doctor, what would be achieved?
· If the situation is not "treated," what will happen?
So, when to let go:
· When the person wants to go. Respect his/her decision.
· When the person no longer accepts the physical condition
which he/she is in, because of low quality of life criteria.
· When the person will never get well and whose condition
may never get better.
· When dementia is severe and the mind/memory will never
improve.
· When a person is bedridden and totally dependent and/or
in a coma or only semiconscious.
In reference to tests, especially toward the end, consider the prognosis. If no treatment could help make the person well, why waste the money on tests? Tests are good only if they can result in positive treatment. Realize -- and accept the fact -- that being "alive" and "living" can be very different. One can be "alive," but not "live." One can be "alive" but not have a decent and/or acceptable quality of life.
When being "alive" does not result in some level of quality of life, then it's time to let go.
* * *
Question: My father, 83, does not want to be kept alive on machines if he gets ill, but refuses to have a Living Will. What should we do?
Answer: If nothing else, your father has expressed his wishes. So you do have guidance. Most doctors will work with family members during a crisis or end of life.
However, there is always the chance a doctor or hospital, will not listen to the family if there is no written Living Will.
The only way a person can be assured his wishes are followed out is to give in writing specific instructions for the doctor and to appoint a family member to make decisions if he can't.
My own personal feeling is that refusing to have a written Living Will places a tremendous burden on children - and really is selfish. People need to take responsibility for their own end of life decisions.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 485 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the
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©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.