for release July 27, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
CHANGE CAN BE BAD - OR GOOD
Question: We finally got my mother, 70, to move near us. Now she's at our house every day, interfering with the way we are raising our two teenage daughters. Her ideas of what's good or bad are way outdated. I'm getting angry.
Answer: You can't change what's already been done - having her move closer. That may have been a mistake.
At this point, two things need to be done. First you must have the courage to tell your mother if you're not happy with her becoming involved negatively in how you raise your children. Stop being polite! Say, "Excuse me, but times are different now. We know you love them and are concerned. The girls are good kids, and we are in tune with what they're experiencing."
Get her involved in positive ways and activities with your daughters. Also help them establish a positive relationship via open communications.
Second, your mother moved and left behind her whole life. She needs to connect with people - hence her daily visits. She needs to have the courage to reach out to other people and become involved with groups/activities in your area. She needs to open herself up to new experiences. It's not easy in a strange place. But it can be done.
I always tell the story of a woman in her middle 80s, who after her husband died, got up the courage to walk in alone to a nearby senior center. As a result, she's developed a whole new life for herself.
Help your mother identify new sources of personal fulfillment. Also, try to understand her need to be with familiar people (your family) in a strange city.
* * *
Question: I've always liked to have my house neat and ready for company. Now that my parents (80s) need help, my house has gone to pot. I'm disturbed and stressed. Need help.
Answer: Just because you've been doing things for years a certain way, doesn't mean you can't change.
I recently attended a seminar, and routines and their negativity were discussed. The speaker used the example of making your bed every day - taking five minutes to do it. Projecting this time further, it means 35 minutes a week and 30 hours a year. "This is 30 hours lost. Do something neat, fun with it. Routine often steals valuable moments," the speaker said.
So, take a closer look at your routine and chores, and change what you do. Does it really matter that everything is not in absolute order? Not in the whole scheme of life. People are more important than things. And you're most important. Be sure to program in fun or do-nothing time for yourself.
Also, don't take over your parents' lives. Encourage them to do as much as possible for themselves. Seek help through community resources.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 445 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the
"Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.