for release August 3, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
UNDERSTANDING "TOXIC" PEOPLE
More people than care to admit it have what is called "toxic" personalities. Such people have psychological conditions where certain character traits are exaggerated and interfere in relationships. Usually they lack insight into their behavior and are often rigid in their thinking and inflexible when they have to deal with a crisis.
The three most troublesome personality types can create tremendous relationship problems when it comes to elder/parent care scenarios. Control and inflexibility can be on the part of the elder care recipient or the sandwich generationer, the care giver.
Because of the number of queries I receive in this area, I'll deal with the subject in general. You can personalize it for your own situation. Hopefully, a better understanding of how others think and act will enable you to create a win-win scenario.
Narcissistic people are manipulative and feel inferior. At the same time, often they are arrogant and feel they are special and others should treat them as being special. They think they know it all.
Coping strategies: First, don't expect to change these individuals. You will be wasting time and effort. Second, set boundaries and limits. Narcissists are famous for dumping work on others while they sit back and take the credit. You can learn a lot from the Narcissist in terms of how to handle others with confidence and style.
Obsessive Compulsive people are caught up in minute details. They lose sight of the overall picture and the main tasks that need to be done. Their thinking is in black-white terms. Thus they have few people skills and are very critical of everyone and everything.
Coping strategies: First, don't get caught up in the perfectionist game, just do your best. Also don't beat up on yourself if you are not living up to the Obsessive Compulsive standards. Remember just because they are perfectionists, doesn't mean you have to be. Also, don't expect to get praise, expect criticism. Don't argue or debate with this person, you will end up losing in the end anyway. Both Obsessive Compulsives and Narcissists are driven by insecurity so it is better not to do anything to undermine this fragile sense of security.
Passive Aggressive people may be the most difficult to deal with, especially if it is the elder. They are negative and obstructionist. Nothing anyone else says or does is good. They are also moody. They like to see other people miserable and get pleasure from seeing someone else squirm. As an aging parent they will "push buttons" to see how fast you react. Often they are unreasonable and demanding.
Coping strategies: First, as difficult as this may be, try to make an ally of this person. Keep your cool, don't let them see you get angry, that's what they want. Reward them for behaving well. Give praise when appropriate. Walk out of the room if it's a non-win situation. Look for an alternative to solving the problem.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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