for release August 17, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
ELDER STUBBORNNESS = DANGEROUS DECISIONS
Question: Because of an ankle operation last year and needed knee and hip surgery, my mother cannot leave her condo. Until recently, when I became ill, I handled all her shopping and errands. Now I can't. In addition, her neighbors are nasty and violent. I fear for her safety. She gets angry with me when I suggest she move to a handicap accessible place.
Answer: Everyone (in sound mind) has the right to make decisions, even if they're bad ones.
I can understand that many people don't like to move from a home of many years because they feel comfortable and fear something new. However, I cannot understand why anyone would deliberately isolate herself or put herself at risk physically. (In your letter you said there is a restraining order against the neighbors).
I also don't understand why a parent would knowingly put more of a burden on children, especially an emotional one, like your situation. It is unfortunate that some people cannot accept reality and therefore put themselves at risk. Thereby also creating an emotional dilemma for loving children.
Continue to express your concerns. Encourage her to hire someone to run the errands, do the housecleaning, laundry, etc. Look into a CCRC - a continuing care retirement community - where she can have her own apartment and do what she wants.
You can also look into having an electric chair installed on the steps so she can get in and out of the house. If she refuses to move, you can only accept her bad decision. Do only what you can and don't jeopardize your own health.
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Question: Our widowed aunt is financially strapped, but refuses too stop buying all kinds of things through the mail - most of which she doesn't need. We've taken away her checkbook and charge cards. But she continues to send away for things, using coupons, etc. Her actions will lead her to financial ruin.
Answer: The least drastic action would be to write out on paper a list of all her sources of income and the amounts she gets each month. On the same sheet of paper, list all her expenses. Then she will clearly see the financial picture. Leave the sheet of paper with her.
Other steps:
· Have her mail redirected by the post office to your house or a post office box. Then you can control the catalogs she receives. You can also return to sender any merchandise she has ordered. Mark "Refused - Return to sender." Also send a letter to the company. Refusing to pay for things and returning them often will stop companies.
· A harsher situation is when your aunt repeatedly orders from the same company and they ignore your letters. Threaten to sue them for harassment.
I do hope someone has Durable Power of Attorney for your aunt. That way you have stronger legal authority. Do remember that you can't legally leave your aunt without any spending money. This constitutes financial abuse.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 480 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the
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©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.