for release August 24, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
CAREGIVER STRESS CAN KILL
Question: I try to be organized so I can do everything I need to - two children, husband, and father, 77. I write lists and never get through them. Any advice?
Answer: Identify your peak energy time of day. Do the biggest and longest time taking chores first. Then when your energy level is lower, do the little things that only take a few minutes. Often people start with the little things and are then too tired to do the bigger ones.
Also don't do everything yourself. Identify and use helpers.
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Question: My mind churns, thinking about all my responsibilities - four generations worth. I'm tired and no one seems to care. I can't seem to say "no."
Answer: The first thing you need to do is say "no." Identify the real "needs" as opposed to wants." Get help in doing the needs. Forget about 90% of the wants. Getting help is crucial. Nowhere does it say you have to do everything for everyone. In fact, you'll probably have a better relationship with your parents if the "needs" are taken care of by someone else. Your parents should do as much as possible for themselves.
Verbalize your own needs - and wants - to your family. If you don't, no one will know you need help.
Only you can reduce your own stress level. It's critical you take time every day to pamper yourself. Otherwise you risk your own health. Aging experts say caregivers can get sicker than the care recipients because of self-neglect. If you get sick, who will take care of you?
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Question: My mother, 83, has been in and out of the hospital this past year. I've developed constant migraines. A prescription medicine makes me so dizzy I can't function at all. Other pain pills do nothing for me. Need help.
Answer: Stress certainly is one reason for your headaches. Another might be that your neck bones are out of place, and pinched nerves can cause headaches. If you're a restless sleeper, because of all the caregiving tension, your neck and shoulders can easily go out.
For migraines, an underused, but excellent, resource is a chiropractor. Manipulation can relieve the press on your neck nerves and muscles, and eliminate the migraines.
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Question: My father, 70, has been losing his hair - clumps seem to fall out. He's depressed. The doctor refuses to give him an antidepressant. My mother doesn't know what to do to make him happy.
Answer: I'm not a doctor, but I understand that some 300 medications may cause hair thinning as a side effect. Most doctors don't realize this.
If your father takes any medicine(s), read the fine print or go on-line to find out side effects. An alternate might be worthwhile.
In order to really determine whether your father can benefit from an antidepressant, he should get a full multi-medical discipline evaluation. Besides changing some medications, counseling might help him feel better about himself.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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