for release November 16, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
HOLIDAYS ARE TO ENJOY AND REJUVENATE SELF
We always get questions this time of year about including an elderly, infirm parent or other relative in celebrations. While holidays are a family time, there are times when "less" family is better.
The following typify common scenarios. My answers, by virtue of this format, may seem too blunt, but...
Question: My mother, 92, is in a nursing home, with Alzheimer's. She no longer knows us. But we know and still love her. I feel guilty about her being there at Christmas time. My children say we should not bring her to the family party.
Answer: I agree with your children. Having your mother at the party will not serve anything positive. She doesn't "connect" with "today." So she won't know that it's Thanksgiving or Christmas. Taking her out of her calm environment will only agitate her.
If she were there, you would worry about her welfare. You need to have fun and forget (yes, this terrible word) about her for a few hours. Immerse yourself with the rest of your family and celebrate!
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Question: My father, 88, is in a nursing home and wheelchair. He is mentally alert, but he can't get around by himself and frequently has "accidents." I want to have him at our Christmas party. We generally have 20 to 30 people, including a dozen children. He says, "no way."
Answer: Your father seems able to make a decision that is best for him. Honor it!
His reasons probably include: his embarrassment if he has an accident; and his inability to deal with all the noise (albeit happy) and confusion from so many people. Also, your house may not be wheelchair friendly.
Bring some of the family to him at the nursing home. Most homes have a private party room - use it. This way you can share a meal, exchange presents, and leave in a couple of hours. I'm sure your father will appreciate this more.
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Question: My aunt, 85, lives alone. In the past she's always joined us for the holidays, which are spent at a resort. She had a light stroke earlier this year. Fortunately no repercussions. But now she doesn't want to come with us. She wants to stay home alone. We're upset. We probably won't enjoy ourselves knowing she is alone.
Answer: Another example where family should honor an elder's desire. Ask her why she doesn't want to go. She may say she feels left out - even though she may be there physically.
There are generally activities for younger people. Seldom for the elderly And often elders get "lost" as other conversations "float" around them.
Take her out to her favorite restaurant with only a few family members. This way the conversation can - and should - center around her.
Undoubtedly she needs to feel she's important as a person - and not just someone else "there" at a party.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com. Carol also has a web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.