for release January 4, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
THROWING OUT BELOVED POSSESSIONS IS VERY HARD
Question: My parents and two aunts lived in the old family homestead (very large) for decades. Now my mother, 76, and one aunt, 79, can no longer take care of things. They realize they should move but want to keep everything. My patience has been stretched to the breaking point. I say just throw out all the old furniture. They refuse!
Answer: It's very hard to select what to take - or get rid of - when moving to a smaller home. Family history is a very emotional subject and impacts feelings of self and importance. Your impatience "tells" your mother and aunt that you don't value family.
Needless to say, this may not be true. So here are a couple of TIPS.
Step 1. You can help by inventorying everything in every room and putting everything down on paper.
Then take 5 sheets of paper (or 5 different pads of paper) and head them: Keep; Throw Out; Offer to relatives and/or friends; Give to charity; and Questionable or in Storage.
Step 2: Get an antique dealer in to evaluate furniture and family heirlooms. Keep the information on the list next to the item.
Step 3: Help your mother and aunt make decisions for each item, per
the categories noted in #1.
If you can't deal with it and your mother and aunt refuse to make decisions, a moving coordinator could be hired. She can help go through things with your mother and aunt and give guidance as to what may be valuable and would warrant bringing in an antique dealer. She can also - with more patience - help them choose what to take - items of real importance to them.
While you think everything should be thrown out, other family members might want something as a family remembrance. Ask others to take a look at those items that will not be taken.
The moving coordinator can arrange for someone to clean out things, make moving arrangements, and most important provide emotional support. Your mother and aunt are facing a traumatic event, and need the family to be there for them.
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Question: My father recently died, and my mother, 82, has problems seeing. My father used to be her eyes. She refuses to leave her apartment and come live with us. How can we convince her that she's better off with us, rather than alone?
Answer: How can I convince you that she's probably better off in her own home - with some lifestyle help and changes?
Adaptations in the kitchen with equipment as well as stored foods can be easily made. Clocks and watches have large numbers, and some even "talk."
Writing aids are available, some computerized. Medicine containers are also available, as are a whole host of devices.
Home decor should be changed to have high contrast colors between carpeting, furniture, and walls (especially on stairs) and with tablecloths, dishes and glasses.
The Braille Institute in California, 1-800-272-4553, and The Lighthouse 1-800-829-0500 have marvelous gadgets. Also seek people who can give you advice as to how to help a person, regardless of age, deal with vision impairment.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com. Carol also has a web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.