for release February 1, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging > parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
CAREGIVERS RECEIVE BRUNT OF ELDER'S ANGER
Question: I am exhausted trying to take care of my mother (90), who is very demanding. On top of this, she is bad mouthing me to my sister and brother as well as to whomever will listen. The family is beginning to think I'm a terrible person. I'm not!
Answer: Unfortunately many elderly people take out their own frustrations on the person closest to them - the caregiver. Most often what they say is far from the truth. So, family members should not believe most of what the elder says; especially if confusion and/or dementia are apparent.
You should be in close communication with your other family members. If a family member really thinks there is abuse, a visit is very appropriate.
You might want to keep a diary of day-to-day incidents and your observations on her mental condition.
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Question: Is there any way I can detoxify my father, 86, who has always been very nasty. He has terminal cancer and is in pain, but ... I'm ready to walk away.
Answer: First, you should make sure your father receives appropriate pain medication and treatment. No one should have to endure severe pain.
Second, if he has always been toxic (I love that word) he's not going to change now. There is nothing you can do - so certainly don't feel guilty.
An older woman recently called me and was telling me about her sister - who was troublesome before she died.
The family finally came to this conclusion: The devil didn't want her. And God didn't know what he'd do with her. And repeating this to other family members brought smiles on their faces.
It's not easy to deal with a nasty person or one who has developed various aspects of paranoia. So, just do the best you can. And get others to help.
Superwoman and martyr complexes abound in elder care situations. They shouldn't. But they do! From a management philosophy venue, I have always said, "If someone else can do the job as well as I or better, then I can do the things only I can do."
The following thoughts come from a long time older (I think) regular reader.
"My contention is that much difficulty is from the caretaker him/herself. Simplifying things helps. Eliminate unnecessary habits. Hire part-time workers at least occasionally. Arrange days off or at least part-time off weekly. Rest enough.
"Children caretakers of parents too many times make themselves martyrs, henpecked, whatever they can feel sorry for. The honor of caring for parents should always be louder, more often said than the complaints. Can't we offer to God our difficulties, and to parents, our gratitude and gladness we can help them?
"As for the elderly or impaired themselves despairing their helpless, hopeless ways and "burden" to others, these thoughts should be smiled away and reminded how valued they were and still are."
Thank you Doris for your continued insight.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com. Carol also has a web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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