for release March 8, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
MEDIATION AS A NEW TECHNIQUE FOR ELDER/CHILDREN CONFLICT
Question: My father, 82, lives alone and can no longer drive, shop, or keep the house clean. He never cooked, but was able to eat out. Now, because he can't drive, he is not eating properly. He refuses to hire someone to help. We live 30 miles away and can't be there every day.
Question: My parents can no longer live alone and should be in some sort of protective environment. My sister wants them to go into a nursing home (which they don't need) near her. My parents want to go into a senior residence, which also has assisted living, in the town they now live in. They do live near me. My sister is threatening to go to court to get guardianship. I want what's best for my parents.
Question: I have the Power of Attorney (POA) for both my parents. My brother lives across the country, but feels he (because he's male) should have the POA. He is putting pressure on my parents, who are getting upset because he's threatening to go to court to have them declared incompetent. Then he wants to control all their money.
Answer: Mediation has long been used as a tool to resolve conflicts in divorce situations It is only now being recognized as a tool to help families resolve elder care and control issues. Mediation can create an environment for people to talk, to exchange feelings, to better understand reality.
It's a process that helps a family settle disputes, to reframe the situation in a non-adversarial manner.
A social worker, a clergy member, or a lawyer might act as a mediator. Often a stranger can help defuse a situation.
An outsider sensitive to the elder's feelings and value system may be able to help reduce the conflict stress. Family and individual strengths and weaknesses can be identified and acknowledged. Feelings can be discussed. Both the feelings of the elder in reference to lost capabilities, and feelings of concern and love on the part of sandwich generationers.
If an informal process doesn't work, and court action is threatened, a specially trained mediator can be brought in. A mediator is cheaper than a court suit. While most members of the Society of Mediators deal with matrimonial issues, a new breed is developing who specializes in elder care scenarios.
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Question: My father, 78, refuses to stop driving, even though he's had four accidents in the last six months. He always blames the other driver. He's really at fault. Please help.
Answer: Understand that it's hard for someone to give up driving. It's a blow to not only independence, but also self-esteem.
So try to identify why he had these accidents. Did they occur at night? Was it raining? Far away from his everyday route? Has he had his vision tested recently? Does he get confused under stress? Is he not reacting properly to the situation on the road.
If none of these exist, perhaps a refresher driving course is warranted. AARP and other organizations offer them.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com. Carol also has a web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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