for release March 15, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
CAREGIVERS EXPECT TOO MUCH OF SELVES
Everyone has heard stories of elder/parent caregivers who put their own lives completely on hold to care for a sick parent. Such a person might be labeled a "dutiful child." And some may even say, "it's great she is taking such good care of her mother (father)." But is it "great?" I don't think so. My own personal philosophy is that the less a child does for the aging parent, the better it is for everyone.
Vivian Greenberg, ACSW, LCSW, an author and friend of mine defines four kinds of "dutiful child" and the characteristics of each.
Understanding these four can help you better understand your own situation and make the changes necessary to put yourself on top of your priority "care for" list.
1. The caregiver knows how to set limits and get help from others. She is not at a parent's home every day and takes care of her "I" self.
This is the healthiest kind of caregiving.
My own thoughts: Few people are in this category. And even these often feel guilty about not doing everything.
If an adult child fits this category, give her (or him) 100 gold stars! And take away the guilt. Replace the guilt with feelings of sadness that your parent is getting old and frail. Rejoice in the good times present, future and past.
2. The caregiver cannot set limits and feels only she can and should do everything. This person is consumed with guilt, if she doesn't do everything. She is stressed to the point of getting ill herself. She's in deep trouble.
My thoughts: I've repeated in many columns and in articles on my web site www.sandwichgeneration.com stories about caregivers who have landed in the hospital themselves.
Our responsibility as an adult child is to ensure appropriate care is provided. No one mandates you have to do it all yourself.
3. There are mutual loving and respect feelings between the elder and sandwich generationer. There is a reservoir of love. And the sandwich generationer is viewed as being dependable by the parent.
In this scenario, things can be worked out to everyone's satisfaction.
Needless to say, a scenario that combines #1 and #3 is the healthiest for all.
4. The "dutiful child" does not love or even like the parent. There is no 2-way communication.
Greenberg says the biggest problems come when a caregiver combines the elements in #2 and #4.
While not classifying this type as a separate one, Greenberg points
to a big problem in some elder care relationships. This relates to a person
who still needs her mother or father to be the parent and cannot accommodate
the role reversal situation. Here, denial and a refusal to help may dominate
the relationship. In the end, the parent may not receive either the physical
care needed or emotional support. The adult child is unable to take up
the necessary leadership -- and often balancing -- role.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com. Carol also has a web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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