for release April 12, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Caregiver Depression Is Common
Question: My mother, 83, suddenly became ill. I've had to take over her care and running her household, and continue to work and care for my husband and two children. I'm upset, agitated, and have no energy. All I want to do is cry - at the injustice of life. Do I need medicine myself?
Answer: Only a doctor can tell after a thorough exam and spending time talking with you.
It is normal to be upset and feel overwhelmed when you have to take over the care responsibilities of a parent. Certainly it's a big shock when role reversal is sudden.
I was faced suddenly with my mother getting ill at 85, having to take over her care and real estate business, worrying about my father (90) at home, and trying to balance my own life. I walked around with migraines for months.
First, take a close look at what you need to do - make a written list. Identify those chores for which you can get help. And get help - from your family, friends, community resources.
Second, make sure you are eating properly. Nutrition impacts mental well-being. Take time for yourself - even if it's sitting in a corner every day doing nothing.
Third, if you continue to feel overwhelmed and can't seem to put things in order, do see your doctor or a family counselor experienced in the geriatric field. You may be "clinically" depressed. Medicine can help.
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Question: My father, 90, has various health problems and is agitated at night. We have 7 day live in help. A friend suggested we bring in Hospice to help. Why should we?
Answer: Regardless of how competent caregivers are, a person can't do everything. The live-in caregiver needs time for herself. She should not be working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The same goes for you. I know from my own experience how difficult it is emotionally to see a parent slip away.
Hospice is advisable when life expectancy is 6 months or less. Hospice can provide respite and emotional help during this trying time. They can also help with medicine to reduce your father's anxiety and pain. They can help a lot during those last days, weeks or months. Medicare will pay.
Just as important is the marvelous help when your father "goes." Even in the middle of the night, a hospice representative can come to the house and quietly and quickly sign the death certificate. This is critical. In most states if a person dies at home there is a lot of paperwork, which is emotionally traumatic. You must call the police. They descend en mass on the house and ask a lot of questions at a time you may just want to cry. Often the county medical examiner must come and sign the death certificate. This whole process can be a mess. So bringing in hospice early on can help relieve the care giving as well as the "end" event needs.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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