for release April 19, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
The Confused Need Same Environment
Question: My mother, 69, has Alzheimer's and gets easily confused. I try to take her out several times a week to different places. She only seems to get more upset. I can't stay home all the time.
Answer: A stable routine provides more emotional security for an Alzheimer's patient. New places, sounds and strangers can be upsetting.
Establish a "sameness" routine, for example the same restaurant. Going to the same restaurant and having a table served by the same waitress or waiter can be reassuring to the elderly. The waitress gets to know you and your mother and can greet her with more warmth and friendliness. Your mother needs friendly acceptance.
A large component can be an adult day care center that specializes in dealing with dementia and Alzheimer's. Again, seeing the same people and being treated warmly is a self-esteem booster. Even a person with Alzheimer's senses friendliness - or indifference and negative responses.
Or you can hire someone to stay with her at home while you do your errands and spend time with your friends. Make sure that person does things with your mother at home. Everything from looking at picture books, drawing, painting, listening to music is appropriate.
At some stage, you might also consider an assisted living residence. This will provide a stable environment for your mother as she deteriorates and give you freedom.
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Question: My mother, 74, has mid-period Alzheimer's. She loves to play with my children, especially to paint. Now she wants her own paints and chalk. Her pictures are terrible. How can we stop her?
Answer: Even if your child's picture is "terrible" you undoubtedly praise it and may tape it to your refrigerator. The praise and recognition of achievement helps your child's self-esteem.
This same principle applies to your mother. She's lost a lot and is losing more. The least you can do is help her maintain her self-esteem. Also, she may get so involved in painting that she's able to forget the bad things that are happening.
I think her happiness for such a small thing like paints is more important than whether the picture is good or not.
I bought a blouse last year at a craft show, which says, "Life is Art."
Very true.
Visit our web site www.sandwichgeneration.com for a special series
on Alzheimer's and dementia in the Special Features section.
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Question: My father, 81, has Alzheimer's. He keeps hiding food in a box he keeps in his room. We keep telling him there is always food in the refrigerator and closets. He's driving us crazy.
Answer: Your father subconsciously may be remembering the depression when food may have been scarce. Thus his desire to put away food.
Short-term memory goes first in Alzheimer's patients. So he may not even remember there is a refrigerator with plenty of food.
You should just monitor his stashing and remove the food if it is unpackaged. However, do not scold him, as that will serve no positive purpose.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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