for release May 3, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
10 Steps In Elder Caregiving
Question: My parents (80s) were always very independent. My father used to "manage" the house and my mother. He's now paralyzed from a stroke. None of us know what to do. My mother is helpless and hopeless.
Answer: Actively talking with your mother and siblings is the starting point.
1) Identify the people who should be involved. Meet in person, if possible, or have conference calls. (Note I've said calls plural). Each person will undoubtedly bring different ideas, thoughts and feelings to the table
2) Accept what is - the reality of your father's incapacity, your mother's seeming helplessness, your role reversal challenge.
3) Identify goals. What are the clear needs of both parents?
4) Discuss with your mother her feelings and identify what she really can and should do for herself. Encourage and help her to do more.
5) Establish an ongoing dialogue with your father's doctors as to prognosis and care needs.
6) Identify care alternatives and how they can best be handled. If finances and house space allow, can he be cared for at home with live-in 24-hour help? Will he be better cared for in a nursing home - possibly with privately hired supplemental help?
7) Develop two care plans - one for your father and one for your mother. Keep them flexible and change as appropriate.
8) Divide chores between family members and seek other help resources.
9) Keep up the family dialogue and develop new ways of handling the situation as circumstances and needs change.
10) Don't carve in stone what should be done. Change is the name of the game.
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Question: My mother, 86, recently moved into a beautiful, brand new assisted living residence. She's complaining that she gets very little attention from staff. We're paying a lot of money for her care. What should we do?
Answer: A study last year by the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services zeros in on your situation.
For family members, the findings are critical. You need to ask
questions.
* Staffing ratios for ALFs are one staff member to every 14 residents
- compared to 1 to 5 in skilled nursing homes. This leaves too little
time to give much personal attention.
* Staff salaries are low, usually less than $10 an hour.
Therefore turnover is very high. Staff then does not get to know
every resident. Evaluate these elements.
I know your mother is living in an ALF so both of you can be emotionally secure. But, depending on what part of the country you are in, staff shortages and turnover can be a problem.
You are already paying for her care. But sometimes it is appropriate to hire someone to take your mother out during the week or spend a few hours with her doing activities she really enjoys.
However, if her basic personal needs/care are not being met, then you should discuss this with the director.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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