for release May 10, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Living Wills May Be Ignored
Question: My mother, 89, has reached the end-stage of Alzheimer's. She has been in a marvelous nursing home for the past three years. In the beginning she said when the time came she wanted to go peacefully, without machinery. However, the home insists on a feeding tube, saying it is their policy based on religious belief. What should we do?
Answer: At this point, choice is limited - but still doable by using hospice. There are special hospice facilities in which the person receives palliative care. In other words, is kept clean, comfortable and as pain free as possible.
If there is no hospice facility nearby, then hospice care might be handled at home. The hospice agency will provide a lot of help.
In both these situations, Medicare will pay most of the cost.
Another alternative is to find another nursing home and transfer her to it, also bringing in hospice help.
In most states, a nursing home can have a "conscience" policy and may not abide by a family's wishes. In some states, a facility and/or doctor must abide by family decisions or be fined.
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Question: My father, 92, has always been strong-minded and a control freak. He has been very clear that he doesn't want to be kept alive on machinery if he gets sick. He is now bedridden from a stroke and will probably have to go to a nursing home. How can we be sure the nursing home will follow his/our wishes?
Answer: Many homes, even without apparent religious affiliation, have "conscience" policies. They will insist on providing artificial nutrition and hydration via feeding tubes or intravenously. And they ignore the family's wishes. In some states, this position is legal. In others, it is not.
Inspect several nursing homes before placing your father and ask a lot of questions. Ask how they handle end of life situations. And whether they will respect your father's wishes.
This is why it is critical to have a signed Living Will. Alternately called a Medical Power of Attorney, where the person states exactly what he/she wants in reference to treatment. It is also important to have another member of the family named in this legal document as a health care representative who can make medical decisions.
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Question: My long-time "companion" has a Living Will, which states he does not want to be kept alive on machinery. I am his health representative, but can't let him just go.
Answer: A Living Will is a legal mandate and you should respect and abide by your friend's decision. If he doesn't want machines, why are you putting him through both physical and emotional trauma? It's a hard decision, but you need to accept inevitable death. Know in your heart that you did what he wanted.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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