for release May 17, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Do A Living Will For Yourself: Tell Your Parents What You Want
Question: My parents are in their 70s and quite healthy. However, in the past two years, two of my aunts and one of my husband's uncles died. Two died suddenly, and one after a six-month illness. We want to discuss what treatment my parents want or don't want if they get very ill. They refuse to talk about this.
Answer: Too many people, regardless of age, don't like to think about their own death, much less talk about it.
A friend of mine, Jean Murphy, Director of Friends and Relatives of Institutionalized Aged in NYC, has a marvelous suggestion.
Get a Living Will (Advanced Health Care Directive or Medical Power of Attorney) legal form from your local hospital or an elder law attorney - for yourself and your husband.
Invite your parents over to a Sunday lunch. After lunch, take the form and go over it with your parents. Remember the form is really for you. Tell your parents that this is what you want if you become very ill. That you want them to know how you feel and to make appropriate decisions.
Then after you and your husband have gone through the questions on the form for yourselves, switch the conversation to your parents. Ask them how they feel about the issues brought up in the questionnaire. You might be surprised by the response.
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Question: My father, 77, wants to receive whatever medical treatment is available to keep him alive as long as possible. Isn't there some age when you should stop intensive treatment? It gets very expensive and emotionally exhausting.
Answer: Age itself should never be a determining factor in medical treatment. Decisions should be based on medical prognosis as well as a person's wishes. Even that can be tricky. Article SF020 on our web site www.sandwichgeneration.com gives critical elements in end of life decision-making.
An 80+ man I know had terrible repercussions from simple surgery. His lungs had blood in them and his kidneys failed. Treatment was intensive and aggressive. Four months later he was back home, still independent and enjoying life.
People with kidney failure are able to live for years on dialysis. Of course, this impacts quality of life and mobility. But it is an individual's right to decide quality of life parameters.
Of course there are times when life is prolonged too long. But prognosis needs to be the deciding factor.
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Question: Friends of ours were traumatized when they had to make medical care decisions for their aunt, who became very ill suddenly. We don't want to go through this. How do we discuss this with our parents?
Answer: Tell them straight out what your friends experienced -- the stress, the terrible responsibility for having to make life or death decisions for a loved one. Tell them you don't want to go through this same situation because you don't know how they feel about medical care, being kept alive on machines, etc.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 505 words; other material = 160 words
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©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.