for release May 24, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Our Body Says More Than Our Mouth
Question: I am 80 and live with my daughter. She put a lot of pressure on me to move in with them. Now she doesn't talk much to me. I want to know why. Need help to broach the subject.
Answer: I don't know if your daughter and you had lengthy conversations before you moved in. If you didn't, things aren't going to change much.
Regardless, you should try a direct route. Tell her your thoughts and feelings. Tell her you feel bad about her not talking with you, that you're feeling rejected. (Studies show that 94% of communication is non-verbal. Body language and tone seem more important). Ask her how she's feeling now that you live together. Moving in with someone else means adjustments and change for everyone.
You should try to develop your own interests and make new friends. It's not easy, but senior centers, church activities, lectures and trips through an area college are great ways to enjoy yourself.
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Question: My father, 76, stays with us in the winter months. Usually he is very talkative. I work full-time and have a troubled teenage son. I may have been "short" with him, because now he's very withdrawn.
I don't know how to initiate a conversation.
Answer: Your being short with him may have made him feel he's an unwelcome burden and rejected. No one likes to intrude. He may see the problem with your son and disagrees with how you're handling things. So he's keeping quiet.
You need to
* Take the bull by the horns and talk to him. Apologize for being short and make sure he understands it wasn't because of something he did. Tell him honestly that you're tired from work and troubled by your son's problems.
* Discuss your concerns about your son. Ask him (directly) for advice and his observations. An outsider often has sound advice.
* Ask your father for help (if he can handle this). Often the eldest and youngest generations can develop a marvelous relationship.
* Ask your father to help with specific chores; this will allow you to spend more fun time with him and your son. It will also make him feel useful and needed.
* Find a senior center so he can develop new friendships and be out of the house, at least part of the day. Sitting home alone all day is not conducive to happiness.
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Question: My mother, 74, just sits around the house, doing nothing and moping. She moved in with us six months ago after my father died. We're mad at her for being so lazy.
Answer: I doubt she's lazy!
She is still grieving for your father. She has been uprooted from her own home and is in a new environment. She has lost control of her life and feels useless around your house.
She may need bereavement counseling and certainly new friends. She can help around the house, with specific chores. She needs to be encouraged to move on in her life. She's still young.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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