for release August 2, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Moving Can Be Dangerous
Question: We want my mother, 70, to move in with us. It'll make it easier for me to keep an eye on her now that my father is gone. We have 3 children, 14, 11 and 9. She refuses.
Answer: Good for her. I only suggest a parent move in with adult children and grandchildren as a last resort. Only if the elder is ill or mentally confused and needs a lot of everyday help and there is no alternative financially.
Older people value independence, privacy and quiet. Even if young children are good, there is always a lot of activity in the house, and the noise of exuberant kids.
After staying with one of my nieces two weeks at Thanksgiving every year, I'm glad to return to my own house. The boys (8,7,5,) have a lot of energy and are naturally noisy.
If your mother is healthy, able to get around herself, and is financially OK, you should encourage her to remain independent. Enable her to take care of herself, and only help out when it's a real need.
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Question: I'm 80 and recently had major surgery. I spent two weeks recovering at my daughter's home. We're very close, and she wants me to move in with them (husband and two active teenagers). They live 25 miles from me. I still drive, have friends near me, and volunteer at a nearby nursery school. I'm torn as to what to do.
Answer: You've given all the reasons you should not move in with your daughter: an active and maybe noisy household; your own independence and ability to care for yourself; friends nearby; and great pleasure from spending time with youngsters.
Too many elder/sandwich generation relationships sour because the elder moves in. A week's "vacation" at their house will enable you to spend quality time with your daughter and grandchildren. You can always go home and return for another enjoyable visit.
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Question: My father recently died, and my mother, 76, is alone in a big, old house. We want her to move in with us. She lives 100 miles from us. She refuses. How can we convince her it's better for her to be close to us in case she gets sick?
Answer: There are many ways to ensure safety of an older person in her/his own home. Live-in help if they are elderly and frail (like my parents at 85 and 90). Chore help (cleaning, laundry, shopping, taking to doctor or fun activities) can be hired.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 430 words; other material = 160 words
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©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.