for release August 9, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Mental Capacity Replaces Use Of Incompetent
Question: My father, 83, is living in a dirty apartment, with all the appliances and sinks caked in grime. The bathroom is also a mess. He refuses to let anyone clean on a regular basis. I live 100 miles away so can't do it myself. We feel it's unhealthy and want to know if we should contact the authorities.
Answer: I think you mean by the word "authorities" the Adult Protective Services agency in your state.
There are two criteria for intervention by APS in most states:
* the person lacks mental capacity
* the person is at risk
The term "mental capacity" has replaced mental incompetency, and is a looser definition and easier to validate. It's often a thin line.
In this case, is he "at risk?" Physically or financially? Is his health jeopardized? Does he lack mental capacity or is he just stubborn?
I know two brilliant men (both Ph.Ds) who live in filth. Their house should have been condemned by health officials years ago. But they do not lack "capacity", so no one else has a right to do anything.
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Question: My aunt, 74, has eight cats, two dogs (one quite large), and three canaries that sing all the time. Her house stinks from all these animals. She refuses to give any up and tells us to leave her alone. Can we do anything about this? She's crazy to have so many animals.
Answer: As long as she can afford to feed them and give basic care, I'd say she might be eccentric, but not crazy. Everyone has a right to have as many pets as they can care for.
A 94-year-old woman I know has a big tan lab. Her niece thinks she shouldn't have a dog that big. But the aunt loves the dog, and he provides company in an otherwise large old house.
In your aunt's case, is the bad smell just because of the number of animals? Or is it because feces are in the house and the animals are dirty? If the house is basically clean, it's OK. If the house is filthy, then you need to look at animal abuse criteria.
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Question: My father, 80, refuses to stop driving. We're at our wits end. We feel he's too old, even though his health is OK. How can we convince him?
Answer: Let him drive - as long as he can do so SAFELY. Safety is the key element, not age. You haven't mentioned anything that would put him and others at risk.
Mobility is essential to elders in reference to independence and emotional health. My father drove until he was 88. He stopped voluntarily after two "misses."
My mother drove until the night before her last illness. She was almost 92.
Driving should be discontinued if vision problems, cognitive limitations, side effects of medications, slower reaction time, or muscular difficulties negatively impact safety.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 495 words; other material = 160 words
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©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.