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for release October 11, 2002 The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents by Carol Abaya, M.A. Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy? Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities. Loneliness Is A Subjective State
Question: My mother, 80, has lived alone for ten years. Recently she began complaining about everything - from the rudeness of people in the supermarket to my not calling her every single day. I work full time and have a husband to care for. Why is my mother suddenly so negative? Question: My mother, 79, recently lost her best friend (from high school days). She calls me at least three times a day, wanting to know what I'm doing and when I'll be there. I don't know what to do. Answer: In both cases, your mothers are lonely. Most researchers say loneliness is the emotional stress people experience when there is something lacking in their life relationships. The lack of ties to friends or family with whom your mothers socialized in the past can lead to a loss of a sense of belonging and self-esteem. Hence loneliness enters in. The constant complaining and telephone calls are ways they are reaching out to establish a firmer relationship with you and your family. While your mothers may deny they are lonely, they apparently are. First sit down and get them to express their feelings about their day-to-day lifestyle. Second, help them identify activities they enjoy and encourage them to participate in organizations that offer these activities. Third, identify community resources or senior centers where they can establish some new relationships. This is tough to do at an older age. But it is doable. If none of the above helps, you should consider professional counseling. Often talking to a stranger is more productive than admitting feelings to a child. * * * Question: My mother, 85, grew up in Europe and came here after WW II. She has been very unhappy the past couple of years and says she wants to see a therapist. What, at this age, can be achieved? I think it's a waste of money. Answer: Getting help to deal better with emotional issues is never a waste of money, particularly if guilt is an element. Doesn't your mother deserve happiness in her last years? A colleague of mine at the Rutgers School of Social Work gerontology
program says she started having more older clients about three years ago.
People want to resolve issues and emotions while they can. For example,
she says, many who survived
NEW RESEARCH: I usually use the word "elder" when referring to the oldest old. I do so because in many cultures the elder is looked upon as a person with much wisdom. Recent focus groups don't like the word "elder." In fact in a study "Recasting Retirement: New Perspectives on Aging and Civic Engagement," seniors placed the word "elder" as number two in least desirable designation. "Senior Citizens" was the least undesirable on the no-no list. Most appealing: the experienced. I think I'll still use "elder." The dictionary says "one having authority by virtue of age and experience." * * * Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com. Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents. NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 515 words; other material = 160 words We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column. ©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved. |