| Globe Syndicate
for release October 25, 2002 The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents by Carol Abaya, M.A. Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy? Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities. Elder Care Issues Are The Same For All Ethnic Groups Question: I take care of my father, 87 and born in Puerto Rico, every day. Yet my brothers and sisters think they know better than I what to do. We argue in front of my father, who gets upset. How can I tell them not to interfere? Answer: This scenario is the same for all ethnic groups. If you are providing the daily care, you need a well-deserved vacation. Have one of your sisters or brothers take care of your father for two weeks - either in their home or yours. If in your home, go out of town. Also, have your father (if he's able to) tell them he appreciates their concern and interest, but that you're doing what he wants. * * * Question: My mother, 74, moved in with us six months ago after my father died. Our Chinese community is very close knit, and people seem to come and go at will. I no longer have any privacy. Answer: When an aging parent moves in with adult children, adjustments are inevitable. You need to discuss your feelings with your mother. If her former home was "open-ended" to friends, you're walking a tough line. If you tell her you don't want her friends there, she might feel rejected. Look for alternatives. Establish "visiting hours" or "tea days" so your mother's friends feel welcome. At the same time, they won't be under foot so often. If you work, set those times for visiting. Also, encourage your mother to go out to visit friends. Years ago, a Chinese friend of mine who started a restaurant put aside one room every week for Chinese elders to socialize. Many had moved to the suburbs and lost ties with their community. Being lonely, they also became depressed. Socialization is a key to better health - and happiness. * * * Question: We moved here from Brazil 30 years ago. So I was brought up mainly in this country. My parents, now in their late 70s, need daily help, and I'm torn between the informal family lifestyle here and what my parents expect. I'm getting very stressed and am on medication. Answer: Different ethnic cultures all have similar elder care issues. The key is balance. The Latino culture is family oriented, with the woman responsible for maintaining family unity. Traditionally, your mother would be that person. But now into the scene comes the role reversal element of elder care. So you are now feeling the pressure. Conflicting values here include: reciprocity (giving back love); "respecto" (showing an elder's continued worthiness); "resignacion" (acceptance of one's duty); "controlarse" (self-control). A key word in the Latino culture seems to be "sobreponerse" which is getting over difficult events and moving on. Identify those chores they really need help with. Do what you can do comfortably, and get help for the other chores. Your parents may be upset, but you need to find a balance that puts you on top of any priority list. * * * Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com. Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents. NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 505 words; other material = 160 words We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column. ©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved. |