Globe Syndicate
for release December 6, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN
NO ONE ELSE CAN GIVE IT
Question: My mother, 73, walks around with a sour look on her face and forever
complains about everything. As a result, no one wants to visit her or do things
with her. My sister and I have tried to make her happy. We can't and feel
guilty.
Answer: Happiness can only come from within each of us. No one else can "make" a
person happy. So stop feeling guilty.
A big part of happiness is a positive sense of self-worth. So helping a person
keep mentally and physically active goes a long way to help that person be
happier.
If her attitude is so negative, sit down and discuss it with her. Tell her she's
isolating herself. She then has the choice to change - or not.
Identify things that made her happy in the past. Encourage hobbies and doing new
activities. Encourage socialization.
If she was never a happy person and always complained, she's not going to change
now. Even an open discussion might not help.
You can only try to
* divert the conversation to another subject
* get her involved in a positive activity or project
* ignore her complaints (close your ears), and/or
* leave the room when she complains. Say, "I'll be back when we can talk about
something else."
* * *
Question: My father died last year after a long illness. As soon as he died, my
mother, 74, took a cruise and met a man. They are now "going steady." How can
she forget my father so soon?
Answer: After caring for an ill spouse for a long time, the survivor should get
on with life. The past cannot be changed. So it's great your mother is enjoying
herself.
I recently attended a seminar "Mind Over Mood." The speaker, a noted
psychologist in elder treatment, told of two of his clients. The first was a
woman, who was like your mother. The woman told the psychologist, "My husband is
gone. But I'm here. Now I can start a new life."
The other woman, who had lost her husband a few months before the visit, said,
"My husband was my whole life. Now I have no life."
Needless to say, the first woman - and your mother - will live longer, healthier
and happier.
Sour moods hasten clinical depression and health deterioration.
So clap your hands for your mother and make her boyfriend feel welcome and part
of your family! Let the holiday spirit help everyone in your family move
forward.
Sayings by James Martin in "A Man's Life"
"Effort: Where we begin doesn't matter much; where we attempt to go does."
"Body & Spirit:
One will crumble;
Yet...One will Survive."
"Fragility: Not one of us is less delicate than the other; we simply shatter in
different places."
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o
Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk,
NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 475 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
of the column.
©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.