Globe Syndicate
for release December 13, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
TALKING IS AN IMPORTANT HUMAN BOND
Question: My mother, now 82, and daughter, 14 were very close. Often my daughter
would go to my mother to discuss her problems - as well as to share fun
activities. My mother had a stroke and cannot talk at all. My daughter now
refuses to even visit her grandmother. Both do need each other. What can I do?
Answer: First, you need to explain to your daughter what happened, the results
of the stroke. Reassure her that her grandmother still loves her but can't
express it verbally. Teens often feel rejected. Also tell her that her
grandmother is having trouble with this situation and needs to feel she is still
worthwhile as a human being.
For the past year I've been substitute teaching at the local high school. After
I received this letter, I posed this problem to two tenth grade boys, both of
whom have excellent relationships with their grandfathers. I asked them what
they would do if their grandfather had a stroke and couldn't talk
Answers: "I'd just talk to him. Tell him what I'm doing. Even though he can't
talk, at some level he'll understand. I want him to feel he's still important to
me."
The other teen agreed, and said, "Maybe he'd respond by nodding his head or
moving his hand. I'd just keep talking."
* * *
Question: My father, 84, recently moved in with us (husband and two teenaged
sons). He has been accusing the boys of taking his favorite sweater, and his
pipe, and eating his "special" chocolates. The boys didn't take these things or
eat the candy. They are getting very upset and angry. What do I do?
Answer: First, get a multi-discipline geriatric evaluation done. Obviously some
sort of dementia is present.
Learn as much as possible about dementia and Alzheimer's. Share this information
with your sons. That way they will understand that it's not their fault that
their grandfather is accusing them or saying things that aren't true. Also, that
sometimes the person really doesn't know that he/she is saying.
Other TIPS:
* Put labels into your father's clothes (like you do when kids go to camp or
college).
* Put a small refrigerator in your father's room, so he has his favorite things
in it. This may not solve the problem entirely if he forgets he's eaten the food
or candy. But then he can't say one of the kids ate it.
* Identify hiding places - places your father puts favorite things to "keep them
safe." As short-term memory often goes first, he may forget what he did with
things.
* Don't argue with your father. He'll only get upset, and nothing positive will
happen. Unless the condition is created by a physical problem (like thyroid) or
medication interaction, his memory will not come back.
* Have your sons spend time with your father, perhaps playing simple games or
just talking to him about their day. It'll help him feel loved.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o
Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk,
NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 500 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.