Globe Syndicate
for release February 14, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
LEARN WHAT THEY ARE: DIFFICULT
1 of 2 Parts
Question: My father, 72, still scares me because only he is always right. Now
that he's older, it's worse, as he refuses to admit he needs help. He recently
had a stroke and needs constant care.
Question: My mother, 77, never could make a decision. Now that my father is
gone, it's worse. I don't know how to handle it.
Question: My father, 80, turns his nose down on everyone else and makes
sarcastic, denigrating comments. He has hearing problems and so talks very loud.
It's embarrassing when we're out.
Answer: These kinds of questions have been piling up in my "in" box. How do you
deal with difficult people - especially if he/she is a parent?
I came across an interesting seminar and took it last Fall - "Dealing With
Difficult People." Not only were the suggested coping skills interesting, but
also I learned I am an "entertainer." This is undoubtedly why I write this
column and have turned down a request to do a book. At any rate, I'll share some
great ideas/TIPS.
Generally
• Assess the situation, the other person's personality, and yourself.
• Stop wishing the difficult person will change (or disappear).
• View the difficult behavior objectively. Step back and lock your emotions in a
closet.
• Use good communications skills. Listen to what the person is really saying.
• Avoid making assumptions. Your likes/values may be entirely different from
your parent.
• Be flexible, try new approaches.
• Write down ways/steps to deal with a difficult person or situation.
You do need to keep in mind that there is a difference between difficult people
(all the time) and situational difficult people (reaction to a specific event or
situation). You need to distinguish between the two. Older people who have lost
"roles" and capabilities and are facing the aged cycle are under stress.
Understand the stress and identify the characteristics and personality. Then you
can cope better.
• The Tank rolls over you verbally, is intimidating, fast paced, and screams or
yells.
• The Sniper is sarcastic and puts down others, either singularly or in front of
others.
• The Know-it-all is condescending and will not listen to others' ideas.
• We all know the Complainer. Nothing is right and someone else is always
responsible for problems or a bad situation.
• The No person is always negative and cannot see alternatives.
• The Maybe person cannot make a decision, cannot say yes or no, and
consequently stalls.
• The Yes person wants to please everyone else, agrees with everything, but
doesn't follow through on what was agreed upon.
• The Grenade explodes quickly and often at something small and unimportant.
[The "straw that broke the camel's back syndrome".] He quickly calms down and
doesn't hold a grudge.
• Those who Think They Know It All do not know what they're talking about and
make up information to preserve their own self-esteem.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o
Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk,
NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 495 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.