Globe Syndicate
for release February 21, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
LEARN WHAT THEY ARE: DIFFICULT
2nd of 2 parts
Once the personality type has been identified, look at coping strategies.
• The Grenade: Stay calm and try to calm down the situation using a quiet voice
tone. Say, "excuse me" or "please repeat that." Get the person talking. If
things remain explosive, remove yourself from the scene temporarily.
Most important - don't take the blow up personally. Often you just happen to be
there, and frustrations are taken out on you.
• The Know-it-all: Acknowledge what the person says, discuss the facts. And
identify alternative solutions to a problem. Or be passive and avoid a
confrontation.
• The Sniper: Politely ask, "what did you mean by _____." By having such a
person take a look at what he/she said, he/she often realizes the
inappropriateness of the words or tone. Or completely ignore the comments.
However, ignoring comments does not solve the problem.
• The Yes: A most difficult elder because you never know what he/she wants.
Verbal discussion is important, presenting options and closely listening to
voice tone, enthusiasm or lack of it and watching facial expressions. Women who
were married to strong willed men are often 'yes' people. They want to please
everyone and be liked by everyone. They end up not pleasing the most important
people now in their life.
• The Maybe: Follow strategies for the Yes person. Get the person to think out
loud and talk about the pros/cons, or other elements of the situation.
• The No or Complainer: Listen, validate the person's feelings, and acknowledge
positive points. If chronic, ignore. Recognize that everyone looks at and does
things differently. This doesn't make one way right or wrong. Again, don't take
complaints personally.
• The Think They Know It All: Ignore, don't argue as it will only get the elder
upset and nothing positive will be achieved. Being passive, however, won't solve
the problem that needs to be addressed. Do try first to discuss the basis of the
opinion. They may be very knowledgeable about some things - but not all.
• The Tank: Talk calmly, be firm and assertive, but do not be argumentative.
It's not easy to deal with difficult people - that's why they're characterized
as difficult. Try to put that person's head (thinking process) on your
shoulders. Think about how someone should cope if you were that difficult
person.
Difficult Situations as opposed to difficult people can be just as explosive and
hard to handle from an emotional vantage point.
Some phrases to think about and use:
• According to what you said, you feel ___. Let's look at what happened.
• Thank you for calling this to my attention. I'll be happy to ___________.
• I feel bad that you're upset. Let's see what can be done.
Coping Strategy: Acknowledge the complaint and the validity of the person's
feelings. Indicate possible action, talking in a calm and open manner. Use
'honey', not vinegar.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o
Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk,
NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 490 words; other material = 160 words
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.