Globe Syndicate
for release February 28, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
ELDER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
CRITICAL AND HEALTHIER
Question: My mother, 89, uses a cane to walk steadily. When we’re in a
restaurant, she struggles to get up and hits me if I try to help her. Others
look at me as if I’m a terrible person because I’m not helping her. It’s
embarrassing.
Answer: I faced the same thing with my mother. So I’d make sure I was doing
something else to get ready to leave. At the same time, I kept an eye on her.
If someone blatantly stared, in passing, I’d smile and say “She’s 90 and very
independent.” I always got a knowing smile back.
Keep in mind it may be more embarrassing for your mother to fee she needs help.
Understand that her self-esteem is at risk.
* * *
Question: My father, 72, has severe asthma. He was hospitalized for a month and
had a ventilator all that time. Then he was in rehab for another two weeks. Now
he’s tied to the ventilator and in bed all the time. He’s angry and unhappy. The
doctor says he’ll always be on it. My mother is totally stressed out, physically
and emotionally.
Answer: No one likes to be bedridden or hooked up forever to a machine. But does
he really have to be hooked up??
Years ago a geriatric nurse who worked for a home care agency told me this
story.
A 62-year-old woman with lung cancer had been completely ventilator dependent
for breathing for three months and was bedridden. The hospital sent her home,
saying there was nothing they could do for her. Within six weeks, she had been
weaned off the ventilator and was walking around her home.
“With positive reinforcement,” this nurse said, “we were able to show her she
was capable of doing things for herself. We helped her overcome her fears of not
being able to breath on her own and of falling if she tried to walk.
“Patience, a great deal of it, is needed. At first it was only a few seconds
that the ventilator wasn’t used. Then each day or couple of days, the time was
lengthened. We did not refuse to help her if she felt she couldn’t go for
herself. We assisted her each day, little by little.”
By making positive statements and encouraging elders to be more independent, you
help them improve their self-esteem. You also help them overcome whatever fears
they may have about doing for themselves.
* * *
True friendship can provide such encouragement to an elder, sick or otherwise. I
came across the following poem, A Gift of Friendship, a number of years ago,
author unknown.
Friendship is a priceless gift that cannot be bought or sold,
but its value is far greater than a mountain of gold.
For gold is cold and lifeless. It can neither see nor hear,
and in the time of trouble, it is powerless to cheer.
It has no ears to listen, no heart to understand.
It cannot bring you comfort or each out a helping hand.
So when you ask God for a gift, be thankful if he sends,
not diamonds, pearls or riches --
but the love of real true friends.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o
Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk,
NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 535 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.