Globe Syndicate
For release Friday March 28, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
REMOVE THE GUILT FROM ELDER CRITICISM
Question: My parents (mid 80s) can no longer drive. My sister and I have been
sharing the chores. However, my mother criticizes everything we do, and my
sister says she doesn’t want to do anything for them. I’ll have all the burdens
and no thanks.
Answer: You have a touchy situation. Unfortunately your mother is not likely to
change. However, you should have a heart-to-heart talk with them; confront them
with reality; discuss their feelings and also yours and your sister’s.
Try to reach a compromise so your mother will be less critical and your sister
will continue to help. Sound scary? Probably.
Far too many caregivers today find themselves in a vicious cycle of emotional
turmoil. A caregiver’s well-meaning intentions make her want to do all she can
for her parents. However, when the adult child’s best care giving efforts are
met with criticism and ingratitude, those loving feelings turn to anger, then
guilt.
Elana Peters, Executive Director of Care Options (CA) puts it this way. “We need
to take a long clear look at the meaning of honor, so we can do our best with
all our priorities, obligations and responsibilities, especially to ourselves.
Yes, ourselves, for without us whom do our parents have? We hold their
well-being and safety as primary concerns. We want what is best for them.
Frequently when we express our concern they become angry. They behave like the
parent, and we respond like young children. Well, they brought us up to be
responsible, so we have to work around their emotions, deal with our own and
find the best solution for all involved.”
This may be easier said than done. But a starting point is important.
Question: I do as much as I can for my father (82 and former military) but it’s
never “his” way or good enough. I’m angry, and feel guilty I’m angry.
Answer: Your anger may be justified. Your guilt is not. Stop feeling guilty! It
won’t change your father’s personality.
Guilt can come from an unrealistic concept of care giving. Guilt can come from
trying to answer their demands and make them happy. Guilt can come when we are
tired and feel selfish and unloving. Guilt can come from wishing they were not
ill, frail or dependent.
If you care for them you may also feel angry, frustrated, exhausted. These
feelings are normal. The danger is in not acknowledging them or not having an
outlet for them. It is very helpful to have someone to talk to, to share with.
At support group meetings, you can discuss your feelings, your frustrations,
shed your tears, as well as find practical ideas and solutions to specific
problems. With the support of other caregivers, you will find ways to cope. And
best of all you will realize that you are not alone with your feelings.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 485 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.