Globe Syndicate
For release Friday, April 4, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
MEDIATION HELPS RESOLVE
ELDER CARE ISSUES
Question: I am 85, fairly healthy, live alone and am well-off financially. I
have four children, who have always fought among themselves. Now two want me to
hand over my finances to them, and threaten to go to court. I don’t want them
involved in any way.
Answer: Two things immediately come to mind. First you should hire a good elder
law attorney and choose which one child you want to help you when you can no
longer do so for yourself. Give that one child durable power of attorney. This
way you retain control of your finances and life.
Second, if your two greedy children oppose your actions, have your attorney set
up a mediation meeting with all of you. Everyone can discuss concerns. Potential
problems can be identified and addressed, hopefully without getting a court
involved.
Too often mediation takes place after a vicious court suit has been filed. But
it can and should be brought in before a court suit.
Mediation is a voluntary process where individuals take responsibility for
addressing conflicts. It creates an environment conducive to resolving conflict
in a less adversarial way. Parties involved do need to consider different
options, reconcile differences and be open-minded.
The Center for Social Gerontology’s directing attorney Susan Butterwick is a
very knowledgeable resource. Her telephone number is 734-665-1126. Tell her I
gave you her name.
If children continue to be hard-nosed and/or greedy, elders need to do whatever
possible to protect themselves.
Question: My sister is taking care of my 90 year old father. He is very alert
and handles his own finances. My sister is trying to force him to turn over all
his finances to her. He doesn’t want to. I live too far away to see what goes on
on a daily basis. What do we do?
Answer: First, your father should be allowed and helped to keep track of his
finances and pay his bills as long as he is able to do so.
Second, someone should have Durable Power of Attorney for him, to help (but not
control) him now. While I had POA for my father and kept a close eye on things
(income tax time), he handled his finances and paid my parents’ household
expenses until he was 93 1/2. At that time, he said he didn’t want anything to
do with money. I took over paying the bills, and he refused to carry any money
with him. I had to give my mother money each month for household expenses.
Neither she nor I liked this arrangement. But there was no alternative.
Third, someone should be keeping a close eye on things, unless dementia is in
the picture. The legal criteria today deals with mental “capacity” rather than
“competency.”
You all need to sit down and discuss everyone’s concerns. And then plan
accordingly.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 484 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
of the column.
©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.