Globe Syndicate
For release Friday May 30, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
TAKE PROTECTIVE STEPS
2nd of 2 Parts
Last week’s column brought a number of questions about protecting elders from
home care helpers. Here’s some more TIPS.
• If you hire someone by yourself, ask if she’d be willing to be fingerprinted.
If she says no, don’t hire her. If she agrees, do make arrangements with your
local police department.
• Lock up real valuables and have someone else keep the key.
• Do not leave sizable sums of cash in the house. Even if the elder can’t really
manage money, leave a small amount available in case purchases have to be made
when you’re not there.
I left between $100 and $200 in cash in an envelope in my mother’s night table.
All purchases were recorded and receipts put in the envelope. Periodically I
checked everything and put more money in.
My father (until 93) took care of his own money, paid the household expenses and
always knew exactly what he had. I kept a behind-the-scenes check on things. I
was able to stop my father from giving money to every charity he got a letter
from.
• Instruct the worker that she should not accept any gifts from your parents --
money or otherwise. This is for both your parents’ safety and the helper’s.
Often confused elder’s give a helper a gift and don’t remember doing so. Then
the elder accuses the helper of stealing.
My parent’s housekeeper, after my mother died, said she never wanted to be
accused of stealing. She had refused everything from my mother. My mother used
to comment on it and thought the housekeeper was being snobby. (I paid the
housekeeper’s salary).
• An inventory of valuables and knickknacks helps keep track of things in the
house. Make sure the helper knows you have a list.
• Home care helpers or housekeepers should not be allowed to bring into the
house friends or family members. This prevents little things from disappearing.
Elders often find such visits intrusive and resent it.
• Check the helpers driver’s license record to make sure she has a clean record.
You don’t want to entrust y our loved one to someone who is a bad driver.
• Ask the helper, especially if live-in, what foods she likes, and buy
accordingly.
• Monitor her cooking ability. Eat at your parent’s house on an ordinary day.
• Family always needs to keep an eye on the care provided to ensure quality and
on the cleanliness of the house. I or a cousin would make unannounced visits
just to check up on things.
Question: My father lived with us until he went three months ago at 92. I feel
guilty that I did not do enough for either parent. These thoughts keep going
round and round in my head.
Answer: Certainly if your father lived with you for two years you did plenty to
help him during those last years. Who says you didn’t “do enough?” If you did
what you could at the time, given all your other responsibilities, that’s what
is important.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 518 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
of the column.
©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.