Globe Syndicate
For release Friday July 11, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
ELDER HAS RIGHT TO PULL THE PLUG
Question: My father, 78, has been diagnosed with liver cancer. The doctors say
it is advanced. My father does not want an operation or chemo. My sisters are
hysterical and are putting a lot of pressure on my father. I’m torn.
Answer: Your sisters must respect your father’s wishes. After all, it is his
life and his body. Everyone has the right - legally and morally - to determine
how he lives and dies. No one should have to have any invasive medical
procedures (an operation) or put up with sometimes terrible side affects of
chemo if he doesn’t want to. As he deteriorates, do bring in Hospice. Medicare
will pay for some help.
Also, help your father enjoy his last days, weeks, months. Pamper him more than
you normally would. Create good memories that will last after he has gone.
Question: My mother, 81, was recently operated on for ovarian cancer. Now the
doctors want her to have heavy doses of chemo. She refuses. How do we convince
her to have the treatment?
Answer: Respect her wishes! I recently heard of a family forcing an 82-year old
woman to undergo surgery. Thirteen hours! Cancer was removed from 50 different
spots. Her last days were horrendous!
To me, pressuring someone to undergo surgery or other medical treatment against
his/her wishes is abuse, pure and simple. And to insist on surgery when cancer
has spread is inhumane!
In my mother’s last days, the doctor said he could “go in” and clean her heart
valves to give her further life. With no guarantee the operation would be
successful, my mother chose not to have it. She quietly passed away the next
day.
We all need to accept a parent’s end of life decision, even though we’s like him
or her to remain with us.
Question: My mother, 80, has dementia. She says she’s always hungry, even an
hour after she’s eaten. Yesterday, I found cookies and bread in her pillow case.
She says she didn’t put them there.
Answer: Dementia impacts short-term memory. She won’t remember she hid the food.
As she was a child during the depression, she may remember hunger. Thus the
hoarding of food now.
Trying to bring her back into the reality of today will only get her - and you -
upset. Just keep an eye out for food stashes and quietly remove them.
Question: My mother, 80, lives with my sister and has kidney problems. Now she
has to have dialysis if she wants to stay alive. She doesn’t want to be hooked
up to the machine every day or night for 6 to 8 hours. She says she’s ready to
go to my father. My sister insists my mother should have the treatment.
Answer: Although it’s hard, your sister needs to accept and respect your
mother’s decision. If your sister keeps harping on her having treatment, remove
your mother from your sister’s house.
Make her last days as comfortable as possible.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 508 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.