Globe Syndicate
For release Friday August 1, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
CHANGES IN SPEECH ABILITY = YOUR NEED TO CHANGE
2nd of 2 Parts
To the reader in Sacramento who wants guidance for legal and financial affairs
because she has no relatives: Please send me your mailing address and I will
refer you to a reliable lawyer.
Question: My father, 78, had a stroke that impacted his ability to talk. It’s
frustrating for him and myself. Now we have little to say to each other. Before,
we never ran out of things to talk about.
Answer: You don’t say whether he can talk at all or just has difficulty.
Regardless, you should continue talking to him. But you need to drastically
change how you talk. Speak slowly. Use short sentences. Use common - rather than
complicated - words. Use books or magazine articles to discuss something that
might interest him. Then he can read by himself.
After several major strokes and a number of TIAs, my father often couldn’t say
what he wanted to. He knew what he wanted to say, but...
Don’t supply the word right away. Give your father a chance to say the word.
Only fill in when you see he really can’t say the word. Always reassure him that
it’s OK he can’t talk because you do understand him.
Changing your communication pattern greatly impacts the quality of time you
spend together.
Question: My mother, 83, is in a nursing home and dementia is rapidly
increasing. Whenever I visit, I ask her how she is. Lately she has been yelling
back, saying she wants to die. I don’t know what to do.
Answer: You need to change your communication approach. I don’t often recommend
books. But the book “Visiting Mom” by Sherry M. Bell, Ph.D. is a marvelous, easy
read. There are many down-to-earth TIPS. .
Dr. Bell advises visitors of people with Alzheimer’s or dementia to:
• Use the person’s first name (she may not know she’s your mother). People do
know their name.
• Compliment the person rather than ask how they are. “I like your blouse,”
hair, whatever. It makes the person feel good about herself. Don‘t ask, “What
did you do this morning?”
• Ask very specific, narrow kind of questions.
• Did you enjoy the singing? She may not even remember that.
• Loving touch means a lot to the elderly. A hug or holding her hand. I used to
ruffle my father’s hair when I left. One time he said “I’m not the dog.” We then
laughed about it every time I did it. My parents were not huggie people.
• Reassure your mother that you'll be back. She may not be cognizant of time
elapses. Contact Sherry at www.eldervisit.org
Question: My mother, 89, is in a nursing home and wanders the halls clutching a
doll. She refuses to give it up. It’s ridiculous.
Answer: No, it’s not ridiculous. Your mother may not know what day it is or even
who you are. She does remember that being a good mother was important to her.
I told a similar woman I met “Oh, you’re taking such good care of your baby.” I
got back a marvelous toothless smile.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 499 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
of the column.
©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.