Globe Syndicate
For release Friday August 29, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
CARING IS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN CAREGIVING
Question: My mother, 87, moved in with me (57) eight months ago. She needs help
with most personal tasks. I have always been an organized person. I am frantic
trying to keep my mother clean and neat, and keeping up with my housework. Need
help.
Answer: How really important is having a clutter free house in the whole scheme
of life? Or wrinkle-free and absolutely spotless clothes? Not really, at least
in my book. There’s a difference between clutter and dirt. Clutter is OK. Filth
is not. Hire someone to do the heavy cleaning, even if only once a month.
An inactive person doesn’t need a full bath or shower every day unless totally
incontinent. And even then there are items to reduce “damage.” Getting help in
these tasks is also an option. Why are you doing everything yourself?
Caregivers have told me they’re glad they were able to take care of a parent or
spouse. But they also say they wish they had spent more time “caring,” just
being with the person, than doing all the caregiving tasks.
Question: My father, 78, has suddenly become obsessed with family. He wants
everyone to celebrate everything together. Sometimes it is not convenient to
have someone his age with youngsters. How can we tell him not to come to the gym
where the kids are going to be yelling and running around?
Answer: Age is not a determining factor in whether or not an older person can
and does enjoy the energy of youngsters. You should be encouraging him to
participate in everything!
A recent survey by the National Council on Aging and the AARP Andrus Foundation
found that 88% of those 65+ interviewed said having family and friends was most
important to a meaningful and vital life. 86% said health was most important,
and 67% pointed to spirituality.
My mother, at 90, tutored second graders in reading and received much pleasure.
Elders can be re-energized by being around younger people. Including your father
in little as well as major family events shows you care. And this is very
critical to better life span.
Question: My mother, now 81, came to live with us five years ago. I tried to
make her feel comfortable and did everything for her. Now she refuses to do
anything for herself, and demands I do everything. I’m tired and angry.
Answer: You and thousands of other dutiful daughters have created your own
monster. The objective of an adult-child MUST be not to do everything for a
parent. Do as little as needed. Nor is it your responsibility to make a parent
happy.
By doing everything for your mother you made her dependent on you and took away
her feelings of dignity and self-worth. By making all her meals, you said (even
if not actual words) “you don’t know how to cook. You can’t do anything right.”
Bad tactic on your part.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 498 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.